By Lainie Speiser

Sometimes after my husband David ejaculates I think, it’s a good thing I’m still taking birth control pills because that felt like a baby-making load. Sure, at my age it’s probably slim to none that I will get knocked up, but I’ve gotten knocked up before, and the women in my family are fertile as hell. My mother got pregnant with me at age 40, on the first try. She and my father married late, and after having one child, my sister Gisele, my mother on her anniversary decided she needed a sibling, preferably a girl as her best friend for life. She got pregnant on her honeymoon without planning it and on the first try for me, bam, knocked up.

When I got pregnant, I knew in my heart it was a baby making load. When you’re comfortable, and in tune with your body you know these things. But of course, I didn’t know enough to know that not using a condom at the end of your period could make a baby. The man who dropped the load usually had a lot of problems achieving orgasm, so many wasted condoms! I was getting ready for work; I was wearing a tight leopard maxi skirt and an equally tight latex turtleneck with one of my signature extra-high platform maryjanes. He was still in bed, and when I bent down to kiss him goodbye, I had a sex detour. I pulled up my tight skirt, pulled down my black tights and got on all fours and bam, knocked up. It was careless and should have chanced another empty one, but of course that was the morning he not only ejaculated with ease but it was a big ass load that leaked out of me all morning. Lesson learned; I never made that mistake again and I never will.

Dropping loads, as the iconic Nick Manning coined, is of big importance to the adult industry. They don’t call it the money shot for nothing. It’s necessary for any porn to see that ejaculate; it’s the grand finale after all. And where oh where do you drop your sperm? On the boobs, on the butt, in the mouth, in the face? I never enjoyed aiming for the face; if you’ve ever gotten come in your eye, you know, it burns. Oh how it burns. I’ve gotten come in my bountiful, bushy hair, and if you can’t shampoo right away you’ve got Something About Mary hair, where the strands get stiff and crunch. It’s gross, even if nobody knows but yourself. So, I prefer my tits or my ass. I can just wipe that off and forget about it.

When giving a blowjob, I like to swallow it right down, like I’m eating oysters. It’s hot, it slides right down your throat, and it doesn’t taste bad at all. It’s when you decide to spit it out that it gets gross. In my book, “The Little Bit Naughty Book of Blowjobs,” there’s a chapter called, “Are Spitters Quitters?” where I advise, unlike revenge, semen is a dish best served hot. Because semen gets cold and gluey in about two seconds, and that’s when it gets gross. In the time you spent running to the bathroom or looking for a tissue, the semen turns and becomes a dish that nobody wants to eat. Though I guess if you were seeking revenge, a teaspoon of cold semen should do it. It’s nasty. So ladies and gents, don’t run and hide, let it slide and swallow. It’s the most efficient way to a happy ending for both of you.

In my other book, “Confessions of the Hottest Hundred Porn Stars,” I spoke with Peter North, the King of Big Loads. I only knew this in my research before I interviewed the studly Canadian, who told me there’s a hockey team in his native country called, the Peter Norths. And when I admitted my former ignorance, the soft-spoken gent said, “Oh Lainie, they don’t call me the decorator for nothing!” Every adult star needs a special talent and being able to ejaculate The Miranda Rights on a woman’s body is his. Mr. North told me a good diet and plenty of water helps the quality of his man milk.

I didn’t think I’d care about the quality of a man’s load until I bedded down an older gentleman whose semen squirted out like a thin stream of water out of a faulty tap. It felt pretty sad, actually, but on the bright side, definitely not a baby making load. In fact, his ejaculation shouldn’t be called a load—it was more like a trickle. I don’t know if it was his age or his diet, but after a rough wrestling session, I deserve more than that. It was so anti-climactic, that sad little climax.

Of course, even if you let it slide down your throat, you do taste it. The best loads taste (to me) like Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup and the worst loads taste like Ajax and Ball Rot (which is as tasty as spoiled milk). This is definitely when diet comes into play. The worst load I ever took in my mouth was from a coke-fueled fatty who barely moved when we fucked. Once when we fucked doggie style (yes, it’s my favorite position for me to bring it home, and a close second would be cowgirl), I realized I was the only one moving and when I turned my head and said, “What are you doing?” to which he replied, “Having a good time, and now I’m coming!” I went through a short period when I chased chub—too many Jack Black movies and concerts—and that was the grand finale to that fetish. His loads though, those were the worst. I could still smell them hours later. A diet of booze, cocaine and fried foods do not a good batch make.

I had a hook up with a man I met online who advertised he had the perfect penis, so of course, I had to find out if this was true, especially after I saw a photo of the rest of him (which was quite handsome). When we hung out over a beer or two, he told me, not only did he have the perfect penis, but he made amazingly large loads. Mr. PP seemed especially proud of that, —no, beyond proud—like if he could marry his load, he would. It was excessive. He told me when he jerked off, he liked to look at his loads in his hand and marvel and the amount, and sometimes take a photo. Sex with him, though good—and his penis was a beautiful nine inches with just the right amount of girth—felt more about his vanity and less about getting off with another person. Most bad sex feels like that when you’re wondering why you were there and wishing you got paid; it feels like you were basically another masturbatory tool, your pussy just a Fleshlight toy come to life. I didn’t dig it and didn’t come back for seconds. “Here it comes,” Mr. PP announced, “Look at it, look at it, look at it!”

But boys will be boys. The awesome podcast that I represent, “The SDR Show” (thesdrshow.com) had a “Great American Batch Off” between hosts Ralph Sutton and Big Jay Oakerson. They each took turns going into Ralph’s bedroom, got turned on by ladies I arranged to turn them on, Kelli Provocateur for Jay and his GF Christine (who was helping out and they were both into her) and Alana Luv for Ralph (who is insanely into Russian and Polish women), and each ejaculated into a small paper cup, then weighed them on a small scale, the kind dieters weight their food on. I can’t remember the exact amount, but I do know that Ralph’s won, which I knew he would because Jay is a smoker and Ralph is not. Smoking cigarettes affect not only your boners but also the quality and potency of your semen. You may ask yourself why did Ralph and Jay devote an entire episode to their batch? Why, because they could! And it was a fun excuse to get porn stars in-studio (again), god love them.

And lastly, there is the infamous Bukkake! I remember working for Fox Magazine when Bukkake became all the rage and noticed the more sexually questionable men on staff seemed to enjoy watching those scenes, and it’s not hard to know why. It’s a circle of men wanking off in front of each other; I can’t think of a more homo-erotic gesture, the woman standing in the middle waiting to get the great white hose is just a mere receptacle. And if the brave lady is wearing eyeglasses, all the better. It makes it extra dirty somehow, but as I mentioned above, good eye protection. I don’t like semen that much, but one woman’s dry mouth is another woman’s extra frosty vanilla shake.

When Bob Guccione used to have the Penthouse Pets pee in pictures, it was because women (he thought) don’t ejaculate and he wanted to reader to see motion coming out of a women’s glorious pussy, like a fountain statue. The ladies would drink a ton of water before their money shot and touch themselves in a way that the stream would give a golden arches effect. This was before squirting became more common, but when I was looking for a porn star to squirt on “The Anthony Cumia Show,” I was surprised to find out it’s not as common as the adult movies lead you on it think. The one time I thought I was going to do it, I put a stop to it because it felt too intense and I was scared I was going to pee. But if I’m lucky for it to happen next time, I’m going to let my lady load fly free—to hell with conventionality. It’s about time we ladies took a load off; it may not make a baby, but it will most definitely mark our territory.