When I first moved to Las Vegas in 2005, my friend told me that if you can’t get laid here, you can’t get laid. After all, there are plenty of working girls here and we get a ton of tourists looking for a good time, not to mention that our entire culture relies on the premise of what happens here, stays here.
Well, 14 years later, I can tell you that it’s a lot easier for a man of 46 to get laid than it is for a man of 60, especially when you’ve put on about 40 pounds, have less hair than you did before and what you left has turned gray. All that plus the fact that you don’t make quite as much money as you once did, and that’s a recipe for getting laughs as opposed to getting laid. Let’s face it: it’s not cheap dating these days, and unless you know the magic word to getting some action, it’s going to be another night of computer porn, hand lotion and Kleenex.
So, what’s the magic word you ask? No, it’s not “money.” I already told you I don’t have that, although here in Las Vegas and most likely everywhere else that probably IS the magic word, but the word I’m referring to is “Tinder.” That’s right, Tinder the “dating” app; that little smartphone app that was founded seven years ago by a bunch of tech nerds who have since left the company to start another dating app called Bumble.
Right from the start, I need to make it clear that this is not an advertisement for Tinder, although it probably should be. Instead, it is a firsthand account of how a non-believer became a “boner-fide” supporter of the app.
In late November 2018, I was discussing with my friend Tommy who was living in Chattanooga, Tennessee, while his soon-to-be ex-wife was living in Tampa. Sooner or later we got around to talking about the action, or lack thereof, we were getting. Even though Tommy was going through a divorce, I’ve known him for 20 years, and he is a New York Italian with a high libido. I knew he couldn’t go more than a couple of weeks without getting some. Back in Tampa, he used to go on Craigslist to find afternoon encounters, and without giving it a second thought, he would eagerly meet up with hookers. Me, I could never do that, so I stuck to the old fashioned way of meeting people (old fashioned for me anyway) and went the online route of trolling match.com, plentyoffish.com and a few other select sites.
In any event, when Tommy told me he was “getting more tail than he could handle.” I had to ask him how as I knew Craigslist was his tried and true source and they had put an end to their personal classifieds section due to human trafficking and prostitution fears. His answer was Tinder. Now, I’ve got to tell you, while I had heard of Tinder before, I thought it was just a hookup app for young people, and as I would find out, it still is. But he told me it had changed a lot since it first came out and suggested I try it. I was hesitant.
A couple of nights later, I found myself a bit on the randy side and decided to give it a shot.
I downloaded the app, paid the minimum amount you could pay for a subscription, uploaded a beautiful, professional photo of myself along with a couple of other images and after Googling what the best description should include, wrote that. In all, it took me about 15 minutes to set up and I was now set to swipe left (no thanks), swipe right (I’m interested) or swipe up (I’m super interested).
At first, I fucked up and swiped the wrong way, but about 5 minutes in I got a request from a 26-year-old beautiful brunette with piercing dark eyes. I accepted the request and we began communicating. The first thing that popped into my head was that this girl is definitely a hooker or escort looking to make some money from an old geezer. She wasn’t. She said she simply liked older guys and then said she thought I looked like a nice guy. She wanted to know if I wanted some company. We took the conversation off Tinder and on to our cell phones. She explained that she had a daddy fetish and was horny. At this point, I thought I was being fucked with. When she suggested she could come over for a drink, two things came to mind: one, she wanted to come over to try to rob me, and two, I was being catfished. Reluctantly I agreed and gave her my address.
I figured there was no way she was going to show up. But, sure as I am writing to tell you about it, less than 10 minutes later there was a knock at my door. When I opened it, there she stood, all 5-foot 4-inches of her, maybe 120 pounds at most, with shoulder-length light brown hair and the deepest brown eyes, and the most adorable cleft in her chin.
She could easily have been a model or a dancer or even a porn star. She wasn’t any of those things, just a horny administrative assistant with a daddy fetish. After some small talk, she made the first move and within minutes, her shorts and panties were off and right there on my living room couch, I was going down on her. At one point she started breathing heavy and let out a not so subtle “Oh daddy!” which kind of stopped me in my tracks. It was a little weird. But then I thought, “What the fuck this isn’t my daughter” and went right back to it.
Usually, I need a little blue pill to get ready for action, but since I didn’t think she’d show, I didn’t take one. I didn’t need it. I got so excited I put on a rubber and fucked her as best I could. Considering I kept popping out because my stomach was too big and my dick’s nothing to write home about, she still enjoyed it and came with an orgasm. For me, it was probably the best fuck I had in 10 years.
That was it. I was hooked and I immediately signed up for a Gold account. While I’ve only gotten back together one time with the girl who was my first encounter, I’ve since had several get-togethers with a variety of young ladies ranging in age from 20 to 40 and all with one thing in common – they’ve got serious daddy issues, and I’m okay with that. At first, I felt like a dirty old man, but then I thought as long as we’re both getting exactly what we want, no harm no foul. There’s something else you should know. If you are a white guy like me and you like women of color, you are in luck because there seems to be a disproportionate number of black women to white, perhaps as much as 2-to-1. All I can say is that the sisters like daddy figures just as much as their white counterparts, except the majority of them are trolling for sugar daddies.
With all this in mind, now came the big test. While finding younger women might work all well and good in Vegas, would it work for me just as effectively elsewhere? As it turns out, because of my work, I found myself in Florida for an extended period of time, and while there were plenty of girls looking for sugar daddies, I was having a hard time finding one who liked older guys. Then I hit the jackpot. A gorgeous, 5-foot 6-inch, 20-year-old peroxide blonde with the bluest of blue eyes connected with me. We met for coffee the next day to see if we got along first and she was even more beautiful in person than she was in her photo. She was upfront that she was looking for a sugar daddy. She told me how much she needed for her allowance, and while it went against all my principles, I took a leap of faith because she was just so beautiful. I agreed to her terms. We would meet back up in a few days for a date – dinner, movie and perhaps some extracurricular activities.
The dinner and conversation were good, the movie was okay and the extracurricular activities were phenomenal. At the end of the night, as she was getting dressed, she asked me if we would be meeting up again. When I told her I didn’t know as I didn’t have that much money to spend while in Florida, her response was “Oh no, you don’t have to pay to go out with me again. I enjoyed tonight and I really like you. You are so sweet.” Over the next six weeks, I got together with my new-found friend three more times and each time was just as enjoyable as the first. After I got home to Vegas, we’ve stayed in touch with each other and she will most likely come to visit me for her 21st birthday later in the year. Now, don’t think for one minute I am becoming delusional and believe that somehow my friendship with this girl will materialize into something more meaningful than what it is. I know it won’t. I’m 10 years older than her father for Christ’s sake. But in the meantime, as long as she’s game, I’m going to have a good time.
Now, that’s the upside of Tinder. There is a downside. Catfishing and scams are pretty commonplace on the app, so you need to use common sense. Many of the girls on there are escorts and call girls and they’re trolling for clients. And as I mentioned earlier, a lot of girls are looking for sugar daddies. If they are and you’re willing to pay, understand upfront what they are expecting. And if you’re going to pay for something, know the difference between being a sugar daddy and being a John. With the exception of the State of Nevada, and NOT in Las Vegas by the way, it is illegal to pay someone for sex. Not that it doesn’t happen, because it does, but you have to understand that it’s illegal and if you’re caught, you will go to jail for it. As a sugar daddy, you’re simply buying the girl a present or taking her out on a date and paying for her time – if something happens afterward, then that’s just two people hooking up for a good time.
So, now that you’ve been educated on the good, the bad and the ugly of the Tinder app, how many of the 1.6 billion swipes per day the app gets will you account for? Happy swiping.