MISS COCKTOBER AND MY OBSESSION WITH THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY

By Lainie Speiser

It started out with an interview with Mia Isabella for my book, Confessions of the Hottest Hundred Porn Stars in 2011. I was working at Penthouse Magazine and writing books for Quiver Publishing on the side, and adult entertainment publicists were referring me to their clients for interviews about their sex lives behind the cameras. Mia Isabella was the top transgender porn star, and although I wasn’t necessarily planning on interviewing a performer in this genre, I was tickled pink to do so because I love the LGBTQ community. I always have, much to the chagrin of many a boyfriend, one who in the middle of Kim’s Video in the East Village, upon seeing me pick up the VHS tapes of “Paris Is Burning,” a documentary about the drag balls in New York City, and an independent movie called, “Skin Off My Ass,” about a macho skinhead man who falls in love with a gay hairdresser, yelled, “What the hell is it with your obsession with the gay community!”

I am obsessed; it’s true. I never miss an episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” I’ve binge-watched “Queer as Folk” twice so far, I bought Quentin Crisp’s autobiography when I was 15 and freaked out when I met him at a downtown New York City café when I was 18. I’ve marched in the Pride parade many times shouting, “We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Used to It!” I have two “gay husbands,” my high school sweetheart, Craig, and his husband Johnny, and I got my minster’s license so I could marry them three years ago. I got in trouble in French class for reading a classic gay novel, City of Night, because the homosexual teacher said the author John Rechy was, “filth.” My brother-in-law Duncan loves to impersonate me by exclaiming in a high pitch voice, “Don’t you know? Everybody is gay! Everybody is gay! The president is gay; my father is gay; everybody is gay!” I love Andy Warhol movies because he has so many trans women starring in his films, such as Holly Woodlawn in Trash, and I’ve read her autobiography at least five times. I argue that the original “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” is much better than the Netflix reboot, and I spent six months stalking Carson Kressley’s publicists so I could book him on “The SDR Show” because my client, host Ralph Sutton, was on the first season, which is probably how I decided I liked him.

It’s not unusual for sassy New York City Jewish Girls to become the “fag hag,” but I’d like to think I’m more than that. Inside this curvy, womanly body beats the heart of a homosexual man. I wouldn’t say that’s how I want to identify per se, because it would fuck up my love life and it would be a lot to live up to, but more than once I’ve asked my husband if I was a man, would he still fall in love with me, because if he were a woman I’d still fall in love with him. David answered, “Yes, as long as you were a Twink, yes, I’d be gay with you.” Does he mean this? I don’t care; I appreciate the reassurance. I have gay fantasies where David has sexy showers with equally strapping, tall men, and I have wanked it to gay bear macho porn on an ongoing basis. Once I bought a comic called, “Trucker Fags in Denial,” it was supposed to be a send-up on rednecks, but I found myself getting tingly down there when the cartoonist illustrated these two big, barrel-chested, ugly rednecks getting it on in jail, and ended up having quite an intense orgasm.

Another reason I identify with the LGBTQ community is because I’ve never felt normal. Whether I was in Yeshiva, public school or art school, I always felt like a square peg. And although I was an early bloomer physically, with the body of a 30-year-old woman at the age of 13, I was a late bloomer in everything else, because I felt so different from the crowd. I know what it is to try to pretend to be someone you’re not just to fit in, and I also know what it’s like to be despised just because I happen to be born into a Jewish family in a working class, Irish/Italian neighborhood. The kids in Yeshiva thought I was too poor and weird, the kids in high school thought I was too Jewish and weird, the kids in art school though I was too New Jersey and weird. See a pattern here? But in every single school, I made a friend for life, David in Yeshiva (gay), Craig in High School (gay), Perry and James in art school (gay and gay). If it weren’t for gay people, I would be one lonely, bitter bitch. My boyfriends would be jealous because they claimed I seemed much happier with them, and for the most part that was true.

So, when I called Mia Isabella to interview her for my book, I was very, excited. I didn’t know that much about her; my time at Penthouse Magazine in a way had me ignorant about a lot of adult stars who weren’t connected to the magazine, but I did my research, and her looks alone knocked me out. Mia was known at the time as, “The Cutest Little Chick with the Biggest Candy Stick,” and that was spot on, though I’d never call her cute, she’s too stunning for that. But she is only five foot two, a delicate flower, with small hands and feet, with a huge big dick and being half Puerto Rican and half Black Creole, with an ass to match. Her voice is soft and uber feminine, and when I heard her splashing around in her bathtub during our phone interview, I was easily smitten. How glamorous and sexy can you be, doing an interview while you’re taking a bubble bath? What makes you feel sexy, I asked, to which Mia replied without hesitation, “What turns me on is enjoying a long, hot bath while holding my great, big cock in my tiny, little hand.” I instantly wished I was interviewing her at home, instead of in my Penthouse office cubicle during my lunch hour, because this was going to get hot. When I asked her what is a major don’t men do when dating her, she said, “Going straight for my cock. It’s always a turn off; don’t be so cock hungry, calm down and get to know me and treat me the way you’d treat any other lady of my caliber.” Everything she said was so honest, but at the same time, there was such a genteel way about her, perhaps from her southern background, but she knew how to make me feel mighty real.

We kept in touch, Mia and me. We would text on Friday nights when we were both without a date or a friend, which at times was weekly. I imagine she, like me, had the TV on with the sound down and music blasting with cigarettes and cocktails. It wasn’t a standing date, it just kept happening organically, and I enjoyed her company. I told her about a beautiful young woman whom I met through the Manhattan Madam, Kristin Davis, that I scouted for Penthouse Pet. She was in a gorgeous photo shoot, and it was close to being published until her social security was run and her government name, Rolondo, came up. I told Mia I wanted to still run the photo shoot with the truth about her background, sighting the transgender James Bond girl who was on the cover of Playboy Magazine in the 90s, Tula, but the young lady refused to own up to the truth we uncovered, saying it was a mistake. “That poor girl, she must have been so cut up by that,” Mia said, “It’s not so easy to come out to a man you like, much less come out in an international men’s magazine.” I learned a lot from Mia about the transgender community just by casual conversation.

A month later I came to the Penthouse offices to find out I was one of several people getting laid off, due to budget cuts, and a few days later, still busy with paperwork and going through boxes of my things that were shipped to my home, Mia texted me and said, now that you’re a free agent, can you do my publicity now? And the rest is herstory.

Mia and I have been together for seven years, and together we’ve broken many barriers, and how that’s been able to happen is because Mia, like me, knows who she is and is comfortable with who she is, and that can be irresistible to the people around you. Mia was the first transgender woman video game character on “Grand Theft Auto 5,” with the character of Hooker Number One, created especially for her. When Lazlow, the genius behind the video game, called me about casting adult stars for the video game, and I mentioned Mia first he said, “Wow, I hadn’t thought of that, but that is a great idea, let’s do it!”

She was the only transgender woman to appear on the macho motorcycle show, “Sons of Anarchy.” We did so much huge media it would take way too long to list, but a lot of these shows were hosted by people who would never have thought of having a guest like her on, and this was before “Orange is the New Black” and Laverne Cox as the Hollywood It Girl. When I was contacted asking for a list of my ladies for a party scene in the first episode of the last season of “Sons of Anarchy,” I emailed photos of everyone, including Mia, who was chosen right away. I didn’t feel the need to say anything about her being trans, I knew there wasn’t going to be any full-frontal nudity, it’s an AMC show after all, and Mia and I had decided to drop the word transgender from her press releases. She had retired from the adult industry, so she no longer needed to be categorized, so we stopped not out of shame, but out of integration.

But the word must have gotten out, and the casting director called me, very careful and nervous about the topic of Mia.

“I’m calling about Mia Isabella,” he said.
“Sure! I hope she’s not done anything wrong,” I said.
“No, she’s been fine,” he said.
“I hope she hasn’t been late,” I said.
“I’m calling because is Mia, is Mia … was Mia … was Mia born a man?”
“Mia was born a transgender female,” I said.
“You know this is a show about bikers,” he said.
“I know. What’s the problem, has she whipped it out or something?” I asked.
“No, no of course not. She’s been very professional. Okay, well that’s all, thanks.” And that was that.

I did hear gossip from the set, that Charlie Hunan was checking Mia out, but nothing happened, which disappointed me because I would love to hear about HIS dick.
I was not surprised when Mia won “The Howard Stern Show” Miss Cocktober Beauty Pageant. It was a show I was pitching the show producers for years, under a different name, and when I finally got the green light, I put this show together feeling elated. Mia competed against the other transgender clients I took on as a result of the great work we’ve done together, Venus Lux, the gorgeous Asian performer who is both an advocate for the community and an entrepreneur with her own production company, Venus Lux Entertainment, and her own media company, Transglobal; Valentina Mia, the pretty, sweet ingenue from Houston who writes great columns such as “How to Fuck a Transgendered Woman”; and my rocker, Warholian client Brittany Bendz who made headlines in The Daily Beast when she talked about how she’s the darling of K Street in Washington, D.C. and how Republicans love being sexually dominated by her.

The girls were all excited, but a tad apprehensive. Except for Mia, the other girls weren’t as familiar with the new, more politically correct Howard Stern, and the word Cocktober didn’t exactly make them happy. I swore to them it was going to be a fantastic experience, that the entire staff are the sweetest people you will ever meet, and that a Howard Stern appearance, especially now, is career-changing. All the ladies and I got up before the crack of dawn, and I reserved an Uber XL and made stops all over mid-town Manhattan. They all look so great. Each girl in her own way. Mia the glamour girl, Venus the exotic seductress, Valentina the wide-eyed Girl-Next-Door, and Brittany the goth girl dressed head to toe in Hot Topic with a pint of vodka in the back pocket of her short-shorts. I watched, as I’ve always done, from the green room television. Each adult star went up one at a time, there was Q&A, and then the big reveal of their candy stick, then the Howard Stern team, Howard, Robin, Fred, Gary, Ronnie the Limo Drive and program director Brent Hatley gave their critique and rating, and if memory serves me correctly it was on scale from one to 10.

The truth is I had never seen any of their dicks in person, ever. Mia and I have shared not only a hotel room on several occasions, but she’s been at my home for more. I was a little uncomfortable about it, to be honest. I know I’ve seen all my clients do it every which way online and in photos, but in person, even though a teleprompter is different. So, I was watching as close as anyone was in that studio, I’ll admit it. When it was Mia’s turn I noticed something right away: Mia gingerly pulled up her dress, then pulled down her little panties, but when she did, I caught a sleight of hand: she gave herself one swift fluff, and wow she has herself well-trained! It chubbed instantly, and voila, she was the big winner. And like any pageant contest winner, she received a crown, a Miss Cocktober sash, a scepter, and a dozen roses. It was a big day in Howard Stern history, indeed. Later that day alone over dinner and drinks I told her I noticed what she did, and she looked me right in the eye with those sexy eyes of her, smile that gorgeous smile and said, “Oh Lainie, I wasn’t going to NOT to win this contest, I had my reputation on the line.” And that she did. If you look at her Twitter profile, I think you’ll still see that down under her list of big accomplishments.

And there have been other great ladies in the trans community that I’ve worked with, Natassia Dreams, who is also a mainstream model at a regular modeling agency and who was on the first season of the transgenic and LGBTQ show, “Slay”; Eva Paradis, fresh from Italy who has the sexiest Italian accent; Morgan Bailey, who at six foot four, looks more like a supermodel than a porn star, with the face of a young Julia Roberts with a sincere smile that can light up any room. I promote her weekly parties for transgender women—and the men who love them—called Red Light Nights, and just last week, Jessy Dubai, the hot Mexican tamale who can dance and put on a show that would rival any Las Vegas showgirls, and I had lunch, which turned into her joining up with Lainie Speiser Publicity. I know Mia was working on her becoming one of my girls; we hung out a lot with Mia during the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, and I loved listening to her tell stories of her amazing life and the adventures that have followed her all over the world. When I came home and told my husband about my latest client, David, who has never hidden the fact that he enjoys watching transgender women have sex with Cis women in porn, he asked, “Does she have a big dick?” I genuinely believe that trans girl/cis girl porn has taken over the popularity that girl/girl porn used to have in the 90s. I said, “I don’t know, but you know the rule, you can’t jack off to any of my clients so if you see her, move on to something else.”

“When did men get so into these types of women?” someone asked me recently, to which I answered, “It’s not sudden, men have always loved transgender women, it’s just not hidden the way it used to be.” Once again, the porn industry is at the forefront of today’s society. These women are the trophy wives of the 21st century; they are ultra-feminine, impeccably groomed, sexually exciting, with the wisdom I can’t even comprehend because they’ve been through so much more than I have. It’s hard enough to be a woman, but to be an out and proud transgender woman? Now that takes some big, brass balls.