RISE TO OFFEND
By Eddie Rivkin
Since its creation in 1934, The Federal Communications Commission has been the morality police for what Americans can and can’t and should and shouldn’t hear and see. Since way before there was ever an FCC, people have been pushing the decency envelope, mostly through satire and innuendo. There were the Marx Brothers and The 3 Stooges in the Vaudeville era, and Lenny Bruce, Buddy Hackett and Redd Foxx in the early years of comedy. Howard Stern and Bubba the Love Sponge were fined millions of dollars by the morality police for the words they spoke to entertain millions of fans. And numerous musicians, including Elvis Presley and Jim Morrison, have tempted the long arm of the Federal Government with their creativity. Armed with the weapon called censorship, the government attempted to muzzle anyone and anything they deemed unsuitable for Americans.
Then something miraculous happened in 1996.
Al Gore invented the Internet!
Suddenly there was a place in the universe where anyone could say anything, without fear of reprisal from the government. This brave new world is filled with endless possibilities and copious amounts of everything ever banned by the FCC. Everything that was black and white in society suddenly became more colorful than a teenage girl on her first LSD trip. Everything in excess has become SOP. The latest craze in unfiltered broadcast is the podcast. Everybody and their mother has one, these days. Funny people have them, very unfunny people have them (and shouldn’t), religious fanatics and porn stars have them, too! I’d like to share with you fine readers one of the funniest ones out there.
RISE TO OFFEND is one of the funniest podcasts you haven’t heard of yet, but you will. At the helm of this absolutely unedited, completely not politically correct, frequently narcissistic romp through current events and relationship counseling for their friend, Petar, is Brandon “Gooch” Hahn. Gooch is a grizzled, seasoned touring stand up comic, in addition to having the #1 rated afternoon drive radio show on KOMP 92.3 in Las Vegas. His partner in crime on Rise to Offend is Dennis Huff, who also has a #1 rated radio show on KOMP between 7:00 pm and midnight. Lastly is Petar Spajic, just a really, really nice guy, arguably too nice to be locked in a room every week with Gooch and Huff. I sat in on a podcast, and afterwards spent a few minutes with Gooch and Dennis, chatting with them about a wide range of things – from Miley Cyrus to cuckolding. Petar, sadly, was unavailable, due to being too nice to a potential girlfriend.
GOOCH: I was going to say DOUBLE WHORE… Okay, whore cubed!
ER: Perfect! Over or under her 21st birthday, before her first stint in Rehab?
GOOCH: Hmmm, I think she is 20 now. I am going to say soon, really soon, but over. Right now she is riding her imaginary wave of popularity, so she thinks she doesn’t need help.
HUFF: I think she made it to 22, so over, I guess.
ER: Did you see the Video Music Awards performance? Was it a total put up by her people?
GOOCH: Yes, for sure. Here’s the thing, there’s nothing sexy about her! She tried to be sexy, and what happens when you try too hard to be sexy, you fail miserably, which is exactly what she did.
HUFF: That is sexy… in Arkansas.
ER: More pathetic – her attempt at twerking or Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuice suit?
GOOCH: Oh, her twerking, for sure. Somebody dresses him like all the Hollywood star idiots. He just put on what they gave him and he went out and did his part. She went out, jammed her ass against his cock and it’s a wrap.
HUFF: Like I said yesterday, her publicist is the hero. They finally figured out how to get someone to talk about Miley.
ER: So, if you are Billy Ray Cyrus, you say...?
GOOCH: Out of the will.
HUFF: The baby is yours!
ER: What do you make of the fact that there was not one instrument seen during the entire VMA show?
GOOCH: Here’s what talent is in 2013: Grab your laptop, plug it in, move your mouse over a song and click. Game over. Enjoy your talent. Thanks, Steve Jobs.
HUFF: That’s what today’s popular music is. There aren’t instruments anymore – it’s disgusting.
ER: Is music as we know it dying?
GOOCH: No, I don’t think so. The intelligence factor in music sure is. There used to be a meaning or a message in the lyrics. But since they figured out all you need is some stupid beat behind absolutely no substance, it’s over. Look at Nicki Minaj – the dumber the music, the better it will sell. Music is shit now.
HUFF: These idiots are writing this garbage only to get played in clubs. It’s just fuckin’ gross. And I am speaking specifically of “Pop” music.
ER: Fair enough. Then what is going on with “Rock” music? Both you guys are in the rock music business.
GOOCH: It’s pretty much the same thing. The popular rock acts these days all go for the stupid idiot gimmick track. For example, every band has to have a “Crazy Bitch” song. They write anything to try to get attention. Look at all the moronic songs Kid Rock put out. He didn’t even write most of them. All they are is mash-ups of popular hits from the past. Then he wants to say it’s HIS song? That’s bullshit. He’s a thief! Sure, he got permission, but he is still using other people’s talent to make money. Lately, Kid Rock is a cover artist, that’s it.
HUFF: A lot of it’s watered down, BUT, there are still some bands that actually sit down with a guitar or a piano and compose music and write lyrics. The rest of it is a bunch of no-talents that take 20 minutes to do a song on their Mac using Garage Band. The new stuff now is the same as a parody we do on our shows. What’s worse is that they become hits! It’s been that way for a few years.
ER: If what you guys are saying is true, is Journey the best cover band of all time, since using a sound like they found in a bar in the Philippines?
GOOCH: I’d have to say pretty much, yes. They just cover themselves really well. For a minute there, Judas Priest was doing the same thing with Ripper Owens.
HUFF: He is nothing more than a karaoke singer! Have you ever heard him speak? He can barely speak English. He is just mocking what he heard on the CD.
ER: Okay, enough of this heavy stuff. Let’s talk about Lamar Odom’s crack cocaine habit and that monster he’s married to.
GOOCH: Well, you know what? I’d have to get pretty high to look at that thing’s vagina. I’d much rather suck a glass dick, than put my mouth on that pink.
HUFF: She drove him to crack! Listen, he married into a circus. It drove him nuts, to the point he needed to go back to crack to escape.
ER: What about those fine quality Kardashian beings?
GOOCH: I don’t really hate them; I hate all the people who keep them famous. When you watch the show, all of it is them running off at the mouth and gossiping. And they surround themselves with famous people. It’s the mindless good-for-nothings with no lives watching them, who try to live their lives vicariously through them that makes me puke. It’s a sad state that America has turned into.
HUFF: The parents, Bruce Jenner and the other one who has never done anything ever but whose husband had a lot of money – they weren’t famous before The Kardashians happened. Then Kim deliberately put out that tape to get famous. Why? Because that’s what’s important to girls now – get famous, at any cost. She gets violated and pissed on by Ray J, and all of a sudden, they are a family of millionaires. That’s the first time anyone ever heard of them.
GOOCH: Now you have whores like Farrah Abraham and Sidney Leathers jumping on the same bandwagon.
HUFF: You can be famous for anything. Once you become famous, these shitty fuckin’ nightclubs in Vegas will pay you up to a quarter million dollars to come hang out for the night. They throw a party in your honor, and all of a sudden, you are making real money for absolutely nothing.
GOOCH: This is all Paris Hilton’s fault! She bangs some rapper who is the brother of some shitty R&B singer.
ER: Wasn’t Kim Kardashian Paris Hilton’s hairdresser or makeup artist, or something like that?
GOOCH: I have no idea. I thought they were best friends or something. Who cares?! That girl (KK) has never had a real job! She’s been a trust kid since her old man died after defending O.J. Simpson. Then she fucked the RIGHT black dude and that catapulted her to success.
ER: So you are saying if you are an attractive white woman, the key to success is fucking the RIGHT black dude?
GOOCH: THE RIGHT BLACK DUDE, YES!
HUFF: It could take a lot of years fucking the wrong ones to finally get to the right one though. And by wrong ones, I mean Lamar Odom. She’ll get her right one, eventually.
GOOCH: No, no – Khloe is getting nothing. All she is going to do is live her life wondering: ‘Why won’t anyone love me?’
HUFF: I want to take a blurry picture of her in the woods and feed her berries.
ER: What about the twins, the younger two? Are they headed down the same path?
GOOCH: I don’t think so. By the time they are old enough to get turned out, and fuck the right black guy, I think the Kardashians will be all played out. Or there will be no more black guys they haven’t fucked.
HUFF: They are definitely headed to hell with the rest of them. Their mom is pushing them in front of the cameras, and dressing them like whores. They are like 16 and already walking around with their asses hanging out.
GOOCH: Her mother will probably take those kids and use them like a battering ram against some famous cock.
HUFF: I assure you, she is already lining famous people to bang her precious little girls, just as soon as the price is right.
ER: Is the mother the Greatest American Pimp since Don King?
GOOCH: Absolutely! The mother has made millions of dollars off her oldest daughter getting pissed on! The thing that makes her unique is that she makes her own whores. I am not talking about molding them in her image, I am saying MAKES them.
HUFF: She is a P-I-M-P. She actually breeds them to be whores.
GOOCH: She is the only pimp to ever have one of her whores crown out of her!
ER: Do you have a favorite porn star?
GOOCH: Rachel Star!
HUFF: Man, I don’t know, Bree Olson always gives me a hard-on. And Katie Morgan, I got a thing for her, too. There’s just something about her, don’t know what it is. Could be her vagina, not sure.ER: It’s not that cute, squeaky 14 year-old schoolgirl voice?
GOOCH: There you go. We needed someone who is basically the opposite of Dennis and I. Dennis and I are both very angry individuals and very opinionated. So Petar comes from the other perspective. He is the nicest guy – very sensitive, like with the ladies.
HUFF: So much so, that he will never get to touch one.
GOOCH: Exactly. Where Dennis and I would say, “Let’s fuck,” Petar says, “Let’s hold hands, first.”
HUFF: Petar is a great buffer for us. We are always going at 100 mph and Petar is a great speed bump to slow us down just a little bit.
ER: It seems like the two of you are the clubs and he is the baby seal!
GOOCH: He does get clubbed a lot. The thing is, nothing really bad gets said. He basically gets shit on for being such a nice guy.
HUFF: We totally make him into an asshole for being such a nice guy.
ER: Are you two at all envious of his un-jaded, pure as the driven snow, happy outlook on life?
GOOCH: Absolutely not, fuck no!
HUFF: He’s kinda blind, sort of like lives his life with blinders on.
ER: Blind to what? Life? Love? Pussy?
HUFF: Real shit that happens with life in general, and hymens. I tried to explain to him what a cuckold situation was and he didn’t believe it was real. We had to spend 35 minutes explaining to him and convincing him it is true and happens. He said: “No one would ever allow that to happen.”
ER: Why didn’t you just show it to him on a laptop?
GOOCH: When it comes to porn and stuff like that, Petar just puts his hands over his face and says he doesn’t want to see it. He just can’t handle it.
HUFF: That’s the thing – he won’t look. I think he thinks that if he closes his eyes it will go away or maybe he can be invisible. He’s very nice, too nice, and quite a bit naive. He is just nice enough it’s going to get him killed. Yep, gonna get him murdered.
ER: What a nice outcome for the final episode of Rise to Offend.
GOOCH: Wait a minute there – Jesus Christ!
HUFF: No, not by us!
ER: What? Make your podcast different and better than the other million of them out there?
GOOCH: There is a big difference between comics and broadcasters.
ER: But you are both?
GOOCH: Yes, I am. But there are not many others that are. The biggest difference is that in comedy, everything has to go really fast: set up – then punch line, set up – then punch line. Being broadcasters, we can take our time and really develop stories and materials. The listeners really want us to get into every little detail. We take our time to show just how absurd and ridiculous things are. Dennis and I are both professionals. We don’t step on each other, and the quality of what we produce every week is the biggest difference between RTO and most of the others.
HUFF: Yeah, what Gooch said!
ER: What do you want to tell the millions of readers of STRIPLV about Rise to Offend?
GOOCH: We are just three regular guys that have a great time targeting each other and making fun of everything. I think we do a lot more than just “Miley’s a whore.” OK, we did do a lot of that. But when we produce bits or sketches for the show, it’s usually making fun of each other, the way guys do. I’ve heard a lot of podcasts and none of them have three guys with totally different personalities that are great friends that constantly attack each other.
HUFF: I like, that on the podcast, we can say “fuck you” to someone and not worry about getting sued. We can sit back in the chair and say everything and anything we want. We have lots of sick and twisted ideas and points of view that most people don’t have, or if they do, could never say them. That kind of stuff could NEVER go across the air on a regular radio station. For us, it’s all about the freedom to find and do, and talk about all the sick and twisted shit going on in the world, and put our own spin on it.
GOOCH: I think our podcast is along the lines of a Jim Norton standup comedy special. We go all the way “out there” – use the language we want to use.
ER: Isn’t it fair to say that the podcast is just real? That Rise to Offend is the opposite of regular radio? It’s what three guys would be saying if they were sitting around watching, whatever, not football or soccer.
GOOCH: Yes, Rise to Offend is very real.
HUFF: Absolutely 100% real. If you put the three of us around a table and gave us a stack of beers, you are probably gonna hear exactly what you will hear on Rise to Offend.
ER: Last one: What do you think about the story that came out that a Polish lady’s goal in life is to sleep with 100,000 men?
HUFF: It’s a lofty goal, indeed, and I guess it’s good to have goals. Go for it, girl, 10 at a time!
GOOCH: Hey, whatever you gotta do to be famous. Just tell her to bang the right black dude and she’ll be a household name!
You can find Rise to Offend at:
Errorfm.com • Xtremeiradio.com • Doubledownradio.com
Twitter.com/risetooffend • Facebook.com/risetooffend