We here in the United States have quite the collection of sex laws designating right from wrong for the human species. These laws regulate everything from our favorite brothels to our bedrooms. Some of them, in fact, seem more like guidelines for a redneck and should not need enforcement other than through the carefully drawn lines of our dignity and human decency. But alas, there must be more Uncle Daves in the Ozark Mountains than we realize who have been married and divorced nine times, (two of them human),  and have no clue what it means to  “keep certain things to themselves.” It is for these folks, that we have created such laws, and this month’s quiz asks you which of these below mentioned laws are legally enforced and which were created in the morbid, corroded and indecent back alleyways of my own mind.

1. Law or Slack Jaw?

In a section of Virginia (where sight for sore eyes refers to wanting to gauge your eyes out for every woman wearing anything less than a surplus tent), it is outlawed to have sex with the lights on, where you can actually see what you are having sex with.

2. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Alabama, it is against the law for a man to seduce a woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage.

3. Law or Slack Jaw?

In the state of Utah, animals are considered part of God’s creation and are therefore sacred and protected from all heinous acts of sexual abuse.

4. Law or Slack Jaw?

Newcastle, Wyoming has an ordinance that restricts any couple from having sex while nude inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer.

5. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Appalachia, West Virginia, cousins may engage in sexual intercourse as long as they have signed a release form stating that “any offspring born of such a union must be tested for mental retardation yearly, until the age of 21.”

6. Law or Slack Jaw?

Merryville, Missouri has a ruling prohibiting the wearing of anything considered a corset, saying that “the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.”

7. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Hot Springs, Arkansas, it is legal to have intercourse with a deceased corpse as long as the victim (if you can still call them that) is “brought flowers and properly buried by the assailant afterward.”

8. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Washington, D.C., the only legal sexual position allowed to be performed behind the closed doors of one’s own privacy, is missionary.

9. Law or Slack Jaw?

In Buckfield, Maine, a taxi driver is “prohibited from receiving any sexual favors in exchange for a ride home from a nightclub or establishment which serves alcoholic beverages.”

10. Law or Slack Jaw?

Wyoming has a law that forbids the assistance of masturbation to any individual less than 21 years of age, even when a medical condition prohibits one from this act of normalcy.


1. Law- Yes, this is indeed a law and why it was created is not the question here per say, but rather why it is also not affective in Mobile, Alabama, Santa Fe, New Mexico, and Putnam County, Georgia!

2. Law- If they upheld this law, almost every man in the state would be behind bars, including the ones who made the damn thing!  This is the only way a pot-bellied, buck-toothed, road kill-eating, overall-wearing, cousin-marrying Alabamite would ever get laid.  So have a heart, Alabama.You are, after all, kin to each other in one form or another.

3. Slack Jaw- About the only safety an animal receives in these desert plains is if a horny Mormon performs a three-way with a beaver and a California king snake, and the beaver chickens out and is asked to pay three bucks to watch—then it becomes illegal.  In other words, sex with an animal for profit is the only form of illegal bestiality in the state of Utah.

4. Law- I’d say that this one is more for the mans own good.  We all know what happens when a guy steps out of a cold pool—just imagine the effects of a freezing meat locker.

5. Slack Jaw- It would do us little good, as the entire state has been inbred so prolifically that the difference between a relative, a pet, and a neighbor, is no more different than me, myself, and I.

6. Law- Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn’t it!

7. Slack Jaw- Okay, okay. Perhaps a bit far-fetched.  That is, of course, until you remember that Hillary Clinton ran for president.  It is illegal in every U.S. state to have sex with a corpse, which baffles the mind since the most obvious way anyone would even know about such an act is if they had actually thought about it.  Would any politicians care to comment?

8. Law- The only rear-end entry allowed these days in America’s political state capital is towards its registered voters in the form of worthless elective choices.  Missionary is Washington D.C.’s choice sexual position, not by public choice, but rather by some political yahoo who probably has not been laid since the Bush administration.

9. Slack Jaw- Why this couldn’t be more the opposite of the truth.  A cab driver is legally prohibited from charging any money above that of the sexual favor for a ride home.  Gee wiz, it used to be that a blowjob really meant something!

10. Law- So I guess that means that not only can a terminally incapacitated young adult not be granted the request to be unplugged from life support, but they can’t even get somebody to jerk them off properly either!  Give them at least some reason to live for crying out loud.  

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