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SHE AND ME AND THE LANGUAGE BARRIER MAKE THREE

0417manwomanmosaic

She and Me and the Language Barrier Make Three

This is a guide to the sometimes subtle (and not so subtle)differences of interpretation to sex and relationships in men and women.  At times, it is a wonder that men and women can communicate at all.  I mean, we see things differently for one, and that’s a proven fact, but we also are coming from an entirely different set of vocabulary definitions and rules.  It would appear that the only way we are ever going to completely understand each other is to create a gender translation dictionary.  Let the love and understanding begin.

“SEX”

Men:  An intense sexual craving that generally begins at the onset of adolescence.

Women:  A moderate to intense craving for sexual intimacy, which begins during the exchange of wedding vows and ends by the conclusion of the reception.

“HUSBAND”

Men:  The boss of the house.

Women:  Provides a house for the boss.

“WIFE”

Men:  How come life rhymes with wife when death seems to be the only escape?

Women:  She who stands by her husband through all the trials and tribulations he must face.

 

“FIVE MINUTES”

Men:  Two and a half hours, depending on whether there is overtime or not.

Women:  Another hour and a half.

“TWO MINUTES”

Men:  That ought to be enough foreplay.

Women:   Wham Bam he just gets it in.  The next thing I hear is  “Damn!”

“BLOW JOB”

Men:  Morning, noon, and night.

Women:  Birthday and anniversary.

CHEATER”

Men:  If a man screws a woman in the middle of a forest with nobody else around to see other than a camcorder, three friends, and a chipmunk;  did it still happen?  Most men seriously question the validity of such a possibility.

Women:  Man screws strange woman, therefore he is a cheater! 

 

“WEDDING RING”

Men:  The world’s smallest and most expensive handcuff;  usually followed by a ball, a chain, and an Elvis preacher to weld it all together.

Women:  A certified diamond of exceptional color, clarity, karat, and bragging rights.

 

“WE NEED TO TALK”

Men:  “You”  need to talk.

Women:  Silly man, shut up and listen.  It’s time for your pussy whipping.

“MOTHER-IN-LAW”

Men:  The enemy who destroys his piece of mind by giving him a piece of her own.

Women:  The person I must try to impress, befriend, and respect.

.

“WEDDING JITTERS”

Men:  Thought-provoked stricken fear of the most grimace proportions!

Women:  Excitement which denotes decades of advanced thought for this one pivotal moment that will set forth the motions of the rest of her life.

“SHOTGUN WEDDING”

Men:  A  “wife or death”  situation where the man must choose between an instantaneous death by the father inlaw or slow painful one by the daughter.

Women:  A life form on the way, which unfortunately does not give enough time to properly plan the big day.

“CAN WE TIE THE KNOT?”

Men:  Can I secure you to the bedpost without the usual loose bowtie?

Women:  Get married!

“LIE”

Men:  A truth that can only become a lie if it is proved beyond a shadow of a doubt not to be true, at which point it shall then become no longer remembered.

Women:  A complete and utter untruth that shall never be forgiven for as long as the guilty offender continues to fog a mirror.

“THREESOME”

Men:  Me and you and a blonde named Fondue.

Women:  You and me and a baby make three.

“COMPROMISE”

Men:  An amiable agreement whereby both parties unanimously decide just to 

let the woman have her way.  If mama’s not happy…

Women:  A beautifully negotiated discussion of dreams, needs, and passions that is followed by an equally prosperous agreement between both parties.

“I’M SORRY”

Men:  Okay, enough is enough;  let’s get on with some make-up sex!

Women:  But you’re about to be sorrier.

 

“WEDDING VOWS”

Men:  Repeat everything the guy in the funny hat just said.

Women:  Thirty seconds of the most intense vocalization of life and love 

between two lovers, matched by only that of the poetic conversations 

between Romeo and Juliet.

“DOES THIS MAKE MY ASS LOOK BIG?”

Men:  Ugly day?  Honey, if you hear these words out of me, I must be as gay as Lance Bass and a green tutu on Saint Patty’s Day!

Women:  Please shower me with compliments;  I’m having an ugly day.

“SIX INCHES”

Men:  Nine inches of fury.

Women:  Three inches—over in a hurry.

“YES”

Men:  I have no idea what you just said, and I actually don’t care all that much.

Women:  Yes.

Looking over these differences at a glance, I have to wonder to myself if perhaps we are not that different after all—then I removed my rose-colored glasses and put on my prescriptions.  Men can easily evade much of these difficulties by nodding and saying,  “Yes,”  for most of their responses.  This will inevitably lead to a stand-down every so often when the woman realizes that you were not listening, but this can also be easily negotiated with another properly timed,  “Yes,”  and a well-placed nod—And so the world turns;  one misunderstood statement and calculated cover-up at a time!  

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