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PLEASED TO MEET YOU - A VIRTUAL GUIDE TO HAND JOBS

0217handjobsmosaic

PLEASED TO MEET YOU - A VIRTUAL GUIDE TO HAND JOBS

By Lainie Speiser

My husband and I go through a lot of Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream, not because we are obsessed with skin care, but because it’s David’s special, deluxe hand job treatment.  Pleased to meet you, my name is Lainie Speiser and I am an adult entertainment/lifestyle publicist and the author of six books, mostly devoted to helping couples boost their sex life.  I have written about threesomes, role play, blow jobs, and I only write about what I know, like most seasoned writers will recommend you do.  So now I’m obsessed with hand jobs, I think hand jobs are the new blow jobs, especially for that career gal on the go. 

I discovered David’s love of Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream when we first started dating.  Like most nosey women, who are sleeping with someone new, I enjoy looking through the medicine cabinet; it’s the window to your partner’s soul … or day-to-day habits.  The medicine cabinet hold the secrets, Tums and Pepto?  Your man either has either a nervous tummy or he overindulges at dinner.  Multiple bottles of vitamins instead of the one multi you take at home?  He’s either a hypochondriac or a health fanatic. I saw baby oil, Vaseline, hand cream and Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream in David’s medicine cabinet and the sexpert in me knew; this guy likes to lube up when he jacks it to porn with everything but actual products made for it like Astroglide or KY. 

“This is some high-end lubricant you’ve got here,” I said to David.  “I use Elizabeth Arden too, but I actually put it on my face, and a little dab will do you.”   I’m not sure 

how he discovered that this concentrated, odd-smelling cream could add a high intensity to his private time, but I’m guessing he got the idea from rummaging through someone else’s medicine cabinet.  “That’s right, baby, nothing but the best for Willie (his name for his dick), why don’t you try some on him right now?”  Never one to say no to a new experience I did and I see the appeal it’s as thick as honey and feels just as sweet.  It also takes a while to clean off, especially mixed in with semen

I have a friend who produced a website that no longer exists called, “Please Him and Feed Him,” it basically taught women how to keep their husbands happy through sex and food, and one of her suggestions was to wake up your man every morning with a

blow job.  Not bad advice at all, but in the last few years with the pressures of running my own business I admit I haven’t been my usual sexually enthusiastic self.  David will wake up and put my hand on Willie, and so I take over and give my man a hand because hand jobs are a busy gal’s best friend, because while I’m stroking, I can use this time to prepare for my day while giving attention to the person who deserves it the most.  

I’ve always preached that sex is a great Zen place to go when you’re tense or agitated. It’s a simple task that gives you a sense of accomplishment, and while you’re doing it, you can escape into a quiet, calm place.  Some people use yoga or meditation; I use hand jobs to relax and go to my happy place.  I take some Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream and stroke it to completion.  Sometimes I plan my day while I’m doing it.  When your hand is busy you’d be surprised how your mind can clear.  “I have to write three press releases, finish writing those thank you cards, get a mani-pedi and go to SiriusXM at five,” I will tick off my to-do list with hard cock in my hand, and the harder I think the faster I stroke, I get into the rhythm and go back and forth and back in forth until David yells, “Stop, stop, stop I’m done!”  I guess your dick feels extra sensitive if you keep going after you’ve come.  Admittedly I like being a little mean in my sex practices, too. 

Why else is having hand job skill beneficial?  When he says he’s too tired, knowing how to stroke a dick comes in handy, no pun intended.  It’s fun taking a soft penis in your hand and making it hard and veiny, and by then he will usually say fuck it, I’m horny and pull down your panties.  You don’t have to always use lubrication; I’ve known plenty a dry jerker in my past.  You take the soft penis in your hand, give it a firm squeeze, and then you move the skin up and down.  I say, move the skin, not the dick; it’s on their pretty good, but you don’t want him to feel like you’re going to rip his prized possession off.  While you’re stroking allow him to let his hands wander all over your body, and if you position yourself right he can even finger you while you’re doing it, a big bonus. 

Positioning is everything when you want to give a hand job to completion.  If you’re laying down in bed and just reaching over to give a rub and tug, you’re going to get tired very quickly because you’re holding up your whole arm going back and forth.  You want to be in it for the long haul, because unless your partner is still in school (legal I hope), he’s not going to explode within the first minute.  Men feel as much pressure to come as women do, if not more so because they are always expected to do it.  The more pressure he feels, the harder it will be and the softer he will get.   I enjoy sitting up in a comfortable position where my hand and arm won’t get tired or sore right away. 

I don’t stare at the dick that I’m stroking, I don’t know why I guess it’s that theory of staring at a clock won’t make time go faster.  It’s one of those activities where you enjoy your other senses taking over.  I get so into what I’m doing that I zone out, I couldn’t tell you what I’m looking at, or if my eyes are closed.  I know what I’m doing by the feel of the cock and the way his entire body is reacting.  When I start to feel the tension in his body, when his legs start to shake and his dick is one big rigid bullet I know we are close to blast off, and then I look, because it’s just fun to see a come shot, we all know that. 

You know what’s really romantic?  Cleaning up afterward.  After I’m feeling happy and smug from my job well done, I trot into the bathroom, run a washcloth under some warm water, trot back out and clean off the jizz.  It makes a man feel loved, and you, in turn, make sure your bed doesn’t look like a crime scene.

Remember, no job is worth doing if you’re not going to take pride in it and do it right from start to finish.

 

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