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ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK part 3

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ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK
EXCERPTS FROM THE UPCOMING BOOK
by The Commander
Part 3

... Ever travel into a different time zone? (I’m talking more than 5 hours) and get that thing called “Wired” (the opposite of jet lag)?   You know, when you only get a few hours of sleep, walk faster than normal speed, sweat, feel you’ve done a ton of blow (I wouldn’t know about blow, I’ve never done it, but some of my best friends, KNOW people who have done it!)… Well, “Welcome to Bangkok,” my friends!  You travel West, but are a day ahead of everyone back home.  You wake up, they’re sleeping!  You sleep, they wake you up, calling you on your phone (which is forwarded to your Thai cell phone).  Your bathroom habits occur at the wrong time, you’re hungry at the wrong times, hung over at the right times...  I don’t know if I’m coming or going. The only way I can tell is: if there’s a girl in my room, I’m not going!...

... Ok, so today we’re up for something different.  According to my travel guide (I hate being such a tourist), one of the places that we have to check out, a must-see, is Terminal 21.  It’s this really cool shopping center, which is designed with no straight lines and 10 floors.  It just opened in Oct 2011, and as it turns out, it’s only ONE block away from my hotel’s street.  So we decide to make the long trek to see what this place has to offer. While I may be a world traveler, I have never seen anything like this place.  It puts every other shopping mall to shame.  And it’s in Bangkok!  This is so weird.  You have this ginormous, sparkling clean shopping mall right in the middle of an old, nasty, rundown, smelly (street vendors littered with broken sidewalks, ech!) main street called Sukhumvit. But there it is!  I’m not only looking at it, I’m entering it!  And all I can say is “WOW!...” Alright, for all of you sex fiends who just want to hear about mounds and mounds of gratuitous sex, just skip the next few chapters and you can cut back to the action...

... The first view of impression was the sheer number of escalators in this mall.  There were at least 4 in between each floor and then there were express escalators between a main floor and the 3 floors of the food court, no, make that restaurant court.  Not only did they have Thai food, they had every food chain from the U.S., as well.  Tony Roma’s, Swenson’s, Boston Harbor, KFC, the list just keeps going on and on and on.  The very top floor is the Cinemaplex, complete with a tribute to Hollywood, including statues, Oscars, the Hollywood sign, movie stars... Trust me, this put Planet Hollywood to shame.  I know what you’re thinking, that’s a long way to the top taking escalators.  Well don’t fret. There are at least 12 glass-enclosed elevators to the top to handle the crowds.  Also on the top floor is a health club (for the life of me, I couldn’t figure this one out).  People could easily get in their cardio just by walking up the 10 flights of stairs, or by walking the miles and miles of aisles of shopping.  Who needs a treadmill?...

... it was indeed our lucky day.  The sun was shining, the mall wasn’t too full, the aroma of 48 restaurants filled the building, along with 12 dessert shops, and we made it all the way down to the bottom... just as they were having a special on golf equipment! Everything was on sale, 80% off!  Now this might have not been a big deal to you, but since I was leaving in a few days to play golf in Pattaya and they were having a sale on every golf item imaginable in an area the size of a football field, trust me, this was a very, very big deal for me!  Brand new R-11 drivers on sale for under $60!  I know what you’re thinking: “Knock-off!”  But this was the real deal!  Guess what I did....

... oh, and did I mention drugs?  No, not those manzy, pansy, illegal street drugs that you get in the U.S. from a guy named Spike, no! I’m talking about prescription quality grade drugs like Retin-A.  $80 in the U.S. with a prescription, 118 bhat (that’s $3.93 USD for those of you who don’t have an iPhone, get the joke?).  Don’t you wish you hadn’t bought a Blackberry?...

... so after schlepping my own personal pharmacy and everything golf back to my hotel, I thought to myself, “...will all of this stuff (drugs, golf clubs, golf bag, shoes, etc.) fit into my suitcase? If not, what am I gonna do?”  But then it occurred to me that I was flying First Class and had only checked one bag, so I could check another bag for the flight home, SO, back to Terminal 21 it was for me!...

... sleeping on the road is difficult, just ask any traveler.  Most people need a vacation from their vacations when they return home.  You never get any sleep, your daily routines are interrupted, you’re always wanting to take a nap, and you can never remember what day it is (I’m talking weekday versus date), let alone the day of the month.  Even with an iPhone, iPad, or other type of calendar, it becomes difficult, as each day seems to melt into one another, like soup. In order to combat this problem, we take naps during the day, because it doesn’t matter what day it is, it’s only important to remember to take that nap, otherwise you’ll miss out on another night of Thai women or should I say “very young Thai women.”  Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What a dirty old man you are.”  But hey, that’s not me.  My buddy is the cradle robber.  He likes them just coming out of high school (that’s the legal age here).  I prefer them slightly older.  3 children, living with her parents, you know, 22 years and older.  Just a quick FYI, the cost of a milkshake is the same as a mixed alcohol drink.  Not that this has anything to do with the legal age of consent, it was just something that crossed my mind that I thought was newsworthy....

... if you had decided to skip past the shopping mall section, then this is where you should have ended up...
... I was trying to call my girl from the night before, but I never received a response.  I figured that A) she dumped me for another guy, B) she was out sick (you see lots of people wearing masks around here, but hey, I live in Vegas.  Nothing can penetrate our nasal cavities decimated by 115 degree temperatures), C) her phone was out of prepaid minutes, or D) she dumped me as being too wild for her.  My buddy was placing money with the local bookie on option D!  Our original plan was that she would head over to the club, pay the bar fee, meet me at my hotel, and we’d go out to dinner and spend the night together for another gold medal of heavy sex... Of course, I would reimburse her for the bar fee...

...not to take the rejection lying down, my buddy and I hop into a cab and head over to her club, with the objective of either finding her, or finding a replacement making her jealous.  My buddy, once again, was placing bets on the later.  We enter the club, there’s 200 girls on stage, we order drinks (150 bhat each!)  Another important FYI: If you were to order say, rum and coke, that’s considered one drink.  BUT if you order Baileys Irish cream and coffee, that’s considered 2 drinks or 300 bhat.  See, I just saved you 150 bhat! While it may not seem important to you, one day in the future you’ll remember stuff like this and it will come in handy.  I don’t see my girl, so I’m looking for a replacement.

Just then, someone comes up from behind me, puts their arms around my body and as I turn to look behind me, I discover that it’s the house mom (I bought her a drink the other night.  Yet another FYI, while it’s a rip-off, always buy the house mom a drink, so she’ll get you the best, most experienced women).  My drink comes and once again, here come the hands from behind, but this time, it’s my girl.  She’s so excited to see me that she’s almost in tears (I do have that effect on women.  Or maybe it was the raw onions I had with my salad?).

We start talking and she was explaining that she didn’t dump me, she couldn’t reach me because my phone didn’t answer.  “A likely story,” my buddy told her!  She pulled out her phone (now imagining this scene, all of the girls are dressed in a black bikini with black 6” pumps and she pulls out an iPhone 4S...  FROM WHERE?!) and shows me the number of times she tried to call me.  I pull out my phone (from my carrying case attached to my belt clip, I’ll have you know), and she starts to dial my phone.  No response! Nothing, nada, no ring, no rang, no missed call, no going straight to voice mail, nothing!  My buddy pulls out his phone and now he tries calling me.  Once again, nothing!  I try calling each of them and it works

fine.  Again, they try calling me... Nothing!  I’m livid!  Everyone’s phone is working, except mine!  So, what do I do? You know the old saying, “When in Rome”... So I immediately spring into action and start dismantling my phone.  I’m in Thailand, right? That’s what these people do.  All the tools necessary are behind the bar (btw, for an extra 200 bhat, along with your drink, the waitress will unlock your phone) so after about 30 minutes of wranglin’ with help from the bathroom attendant, we successfully disassemble and then reassemble the phone, and voila, it still doesn’t work!...

... I feel terrible on 2 counts. First, I didn’t trust my baby. Second, my stupid fucking phone still wasn’t working.  Then low and behold, it hit me!  I did this, I did that, I put my left foot forward, my right foot back, I did the hokey pokey, turned myself around, and by George, I got it working!  (That’s not really how I did it, I just want you to know that if in the future, you end up with this problem, call me.  I can fix it for you... $50!)

Now I’m happy, my girlfriend is happy, my buddy is happy, the bathroom attendant, house mom, the doorman... Everyone is happy!  In fact, the DJ announces over the microphone that the phone is working and everyone in the club starts cheering... So in order to celebrate, we grab my girl, another girl, head out of the club, and head back to my hotel for another fund of glorious sex.  But wait! Hold the presses!  Just as we arrive back to the hotel, the other girl declares that she is hungry, to the turn the cab around, and head down the street for a restaurant at midnight.  We arrive just in time to watch the pizza restaurant close, so we decide to sit outside under the moonlight and eat a romantic meal.

The waitress brings my buddy and I two salads (did I say that I was trying to lose 20 pounds?) and a whole smoked fish (for one of the girls), and another dish that was sooooo spicy, my eyes were burning just looking at it!  We blow through the meal and head back to my place.  Ok, so here’s the part that you have been waiting for...  You know, it’s very late here, and I’m starting to get tired.  Basically, it’s the same as the previous day’s night escapades, so if you really want to know what we did, just read the previous chapter again.  Only add that we both took a shower where she lathered me up real good!  I had to borrow a few extra towels from a neighboring room...

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