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ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK part 2

ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK
-Excerpts from the Upcoming Book
By The Commander
Part 2

0213Onenightinbangkokmosaic

... My goal is to lose 20 pounds while I’m here.  I don’t think that it should be too difficult since I’m down to one meal a day... Breakfast.  My schedule is pretty simple: eat breakfast, work out at gym, take a nap poolside, shower, shave, head out to the red light district, pick up a girl, take her back to the room, spend two hours on Cardio exercisers with her, receive massage, sleep, and repeat, starting with breakfast...

... It’s day number two and we’re headed out tonight to Soi Cowboy (again, you can Google the name and understand its origins). Now, this place is totally different than Nana Plaza, where Nana Plaza looks like a scene out of West Side Story (you know the beginning where the Jets and Sharks rumble), this place looks like a shrunken down Fremont Street in Las Vegas, with neon lights and light bulb lit clubs on each side, complete with 100% authentic Vegas style food vendors, riffraff bums, and tourists.  Girls are dressed in outfits (cowboys, school girls, yellow taxi driver right out of Michael Jackson’s The WIZ, etc.) beckoning you to enter their establishment.


They even have Vegas names.  Cowboy, Sahara, Susie Wong, Limelight, and a host of others I can’t remember.  Every club looks like Sassy Sally’s on Fremont or a replica of a Las Vegas Hotel: small, made larger by mirrors, stages that are 4 feet off the ground, 100 girls on every stage in matching outfits, tiny little booths, bench seats, and a host of older women pushing drinks at 150 baht! (Remember, that’s only $5, but it’s the principal of the thing, dammit!) By now, we’re experts on these types of clubs.  We had one simple rule... Make that two simple rules.  If a club had less than 200 girls on stage, or simply put, if there was enough space between them where you could see light, then the club was considered dead and we wouldn’t stay for a drink.  Oh yeah, I forgot rule two.  Stay out of Ladyboy clubs or any clubs where super hot tall Asian women were hanging around outside.  Especially if the super hot girls had husky voices.  A big No-No!...

... We decided to leave no stone unturned, so we went into every club (utilizing the two rule exception) and checked out what each one had to offer.  These clubs are similar, but actually quite different.  Some are two-story (don’t even talk about the stairs, any U.S. State Fire Marshall would shut them down in a minute) with see-through plastic floors, some are dimly lit, some are bright, some play house music, some retro, some country western, some cool Vegas club music...

... I have no idea how we found this place, but the long and narrow stage (3-ft wide) had 100 naked girls on it when we walked in, and as soon as we sat down, they disappeared. Now 5 girls take the stage, in matching costumes, and perform some kind of act where they take yellow golf balls (I know that these were definitely not Ping Pong balls) holding their legs together, pushed them in between and dropped them into a cup.  No, wait!  I’m wrong!  First act was the girls who took cigarettes and smoked them through their lips (the other ones, not the ones on their face – now I know why some girls smell like stale cigarettes down there), next was the golf balls.  But save the best for last! The new batch brought out unopened beer bottles. Needless to say, they did things to these beer bottles that I wouldn’t do to farm animals.  The act ending with a gushing climax of beer all over the place... By the way, did I mention not to get too overdressed for these clubs.  Shorts, a ripped T-shirt and sandals are top-notch attire...

... one of the first clubs that we entered had the prettiest women.  I met this one girl, 32 years old (a great-grandmother by Thai standards) who had the most beautiful face I ever saw.  Couldn’t speak a word of English, but that face...  I decided that no matter what, she had to be mine by the end of the night...  Speaking about Asian women, I have a friend back home who loves Asian women.  I could never really get into them, but as they say, “when in Rome”...  I now understand the fascination of Asian women.

... it gets pretty exhausting traveling from club to club to club.  The 10 steps in between each one was just too exhausting, so it was time to grab a girl, grab a cab, take her back home, have sex and call it a night!  Of course we forgot what club my 32 year-old great-grandmother worked, so we put on our Sherlock Holmes face and went on a trek to find the Holy Grail.  Or was that put on our Indiana Jones hat in search of the Holy Grail? Not important, you get the drift... I found her, her name was May (yes I know, she probably made it up, but it was a better than October), we fell in love instantly.  We locked lover’s eyes (I’m very particular in my choice of women.  It has to be the right body, right height, right breasts, right ass, right lips, right smile, right face...).  My buddy picked up some young hot chick in about 10 seconds (he’s into quantity), not a bad choice considering the time he spent looking...

... May told her sister (the older ugly waitress, did I forget to mention her?) that she would not be gone long and that we were going to a shithole hotel (probably owned by a friend, similar to my buddy’s place, only worse) at the end of the street for a quickie (this was all in Thai and we don’t speak Thai).  When we got into a taxi, she was quite upset, but it was either: put out at the palace (my hotel), or get out!... Of course, at this exact moment in time, my baby from the previous night calls me on the phone begging me to come and get her from work (which consists of swaying side to side with 100 other girls on a stage... Who would blame her?)... I think that May got a little jealous when I said the word “Baby,” and reluctantly got into the cab. May was not into group sex (like the group from the previous night) so it just became a very private close encounter of the third kind.  However, there was a huge obstacle that occurred.  Let me explain this from their point of view.  Asian women love Asian men because of their small size.  They slide in easy, come quick, and 10 minutes later, the girls can leave.  A quick DISCLAIMER:  this is not to say that ALL Asian men are small.  Some of my best friends are Asian porn stars, and they can go toe to toe with the best of them.  However, the small size was not the case with my buddy and me.  To them, we were like... Godzilla, a monster that they could only tame with their golden throats (am I mixing this up with King Kong?  I could never get the two of them straight).  For if Godzilla entered the cave... Well, you saw the movie didn’t you?  For all of you that didn’t, Godzilla enters New York City and destroys all the skyscrapers.  Did anyone ever ask the skyscrapers if THAT HURT?  Poor thing was in so much pain, she could barely speak, let alone walk.  You DO understand the analogy, don’t you?  I felt terrible, because I caused the destruction of New York City, and I still had an arsenal of weapons that I had yet to fire! So being the person that I am, I carried her limp body to the lobby, waited for the taxi to arrive, brought her all the way back to the club, hopped into another cab and headed back to Nana Plaza. What? You actually think that I’d head back to my hotel room?  I’ve got weapons loaded and there are more monsters out there! It’s closing time at most bars when I get hit by a mob leaving the area (just like trying to walk in the wrong direction when the stadium lets out). I search frantically for my loved one (last night’s conquest) but all I see far and wide are Ladyboys.  So, I have to make a quick decision.  Eat some shit food on the street while looking for my baby, or grab a taxi and head back to the hotel.  If you remember, I am trying to lose 20-pounds, so the decision was easy.....

It’s 4am, I’m asleep having a wonderful dream (as I could tell by the pup tent in my sheets) when my phone rings. It’s my baby.  She’s back at her apartment and asked what happened to me.  I explained that I was there, but couldn’t find her in the crowd.  And since our cells phones don’t work ONE BLOCK off the main road... (Hey, it’s Thailand) ...we setup a date for the next evening, very early, and if all goes well, it will be a battle between Mothra and Godzilla that will soon to be remembered....  Of course she doesn’t speak very good English, and I speak no Thai, so we could have been talking about the upcoming election or erection or whatever... Shit, look at the time... It’s breakfast already!

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