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ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK EXCERPTS FROM THE UPCOMING BOOK BY THE COMMANDER - part 1

ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK

EXCERPTS FROM THE UPCOMING BOOK

BY THE COMMANDER - part 1

0113bangkokmosaic

Chapter 1

... I knew that there was no way that I would travel over 8,000 miles from Las Vegas to Bangkok in coach, so I cashed in my miles and bought a first-class ticket, since I didn’t pack any Xanax, Ambien, Valium or other sleeping pills for the trip.  Besides, Dark Shadows, Prometheus and Marvel’s-The Avengers were all playing on the in-flight movies that month, so it was a good enough reason to stay awake...

 

... Arriving close to midnight (our flight was wonderfully late... more champagne for me), I met up with my buddy from New Orleans and we took a limo to my hotel.  We arrived around 12:30am at the hotel and what can I say... for a hotel that I booked online for $67 a night, WOW!  I got a full apartment suite!  Complete with kitchen, full bathroom, tub, shower, dining room, office – the works!  It overlooks a courtyard (you’d think you were in Hawaii... Book ‘em, Dano).  Gym, steam, sauna, pool, whirlpool... I was totally blown away.  I looked at major hotel chains (5 star) and none of them was as nice as this. Right off Sukhamvit Road and Soi 10 is the main action.  My buddy was one block over from me on Soi 8.  He got his hotel for $28 a night.  A real shithole!  His room (the A/C was broken) was as big as my bathroom.  For all of you travelers out there, when heading to Bangkok, don’t go cheap!  If all you can afford is a $28 room, don’t bother going!  BTW, my buddy isn’t poor, just cheap!  By the way, did I mention that I get a free buffet breakfast included in my $67? It rivals most Vegas hotel buffets!

... of course, what trip to Thailand would be complete without a trip to the red light district?  And everyone knows that with a 30-to-1 Thai Bhat to U.S.$ ratio, you can live large at the bars (hint-hint)! Okay, so a night at a Vegas strip club is as follows (the following is tourist pricing).  Cab: $30, entry into club: $30, 2 drinks: $30 + $10 tip, 3 table dances: $100. One hour later, you leave with $200 less in your pocket replaced with blue balls.  Or, if you go big-time, $500 for a bottle, lots of dances (up the ante of $100 to $500) and you’re living large in Vegas.  So let’s see, our new total is $1,100 and you’re still leaving with blue balls!  But hey, we’re a big-shot, right? Now, if you could only get a girl to meet you after work...


... so tonight our plan is to visit Nana Plaza.  I’ll let you Google why the name Nana.  It’s a rectangular 3-story shit hole that contains about 20 red-light bars. SPOILER ALERT: Unless you are into plain-looking, short, flat-chested brunette Asian women, don’t bother visiting.  All the girls look the same, with a few exceptions.  If you’re looking for hot Vegas-style women, tits and ass, then head to the far corner of the 2nd floor. All the transvestites are the hottest women (the correct term is “ladyboy”), so if you don’t know any better, you’ll end up like Stu in Hangover II.  But hey, I’m from Vegas! I know the difference, right?...

 

... but this time we’re in our 3rd bar. It’s twice as large as the last two, but the difference is there’s 10 times the number of girls on stage – which is pretty impressive, considering the other bars were packed to capacity with girls on stage.  Apparently they don’t believe in lap dances.  It’s almost like Lake Mead.  When you head out on the docks, the fish are trampling over each other to get some popcorn from the tourists passing by.  Same thing here, except the women are on stage above you with numbers, so you can pick them out like rubber ducks...

... Of course, we’re living large.  We’re buying drinks, throwing down cash, tipping everyone, giving girls tips while they’re onstage (unheard of), spending thousands and thousands of bahts.  I calculated that we blew through 3,000 bhat in this one bar!  I was freaking out, until I pulled out my iPhone and ran the number through my currency calculator (they have an app for that!) and realized that we only spent about $50 each! Fuck me!  Is this great or what?  So it’s time to blow some real hard cash and pull some girls legally out of the club.  I was trying to figure out how the clubs made any money just selling drinks.  In Vegas, the girls are the hook to get guys to buy drinks.  In Thailand, it’s the opposite.  It’s the clubs that exist, to get the guys to buy the girls.  They make more money that way.  Each girl costs 600 bhat, a fee that you pay the club (costs to the girls for services rendered are extra, we’ll discuss that later).  My buddy pulls a tiny 35 year-old experienced girl out of one club.  Costs him 500 baht (he got a discount for a slightly used model).  I found one girl who was pretty hot, but when I realized that my cost in USD was only $20, I decided that it was my job to support industry (hey, I’m from Vegas, we support industry), so I pulled out another 2 smokin’ hot girls (definitely models) tall, slender, natural large tits and ass, 25 and 27.  Remember, I spoke earlier about exceptions? Well, these were 3 exceptions), and we all headed back to my suite (I wouldn’t be caught dead in his shit hole and besides, we wouldn’t all fit)!...

... now one of the my girls tells me that she’s hungry (of course, we only passed 50 restaurants on the way to my hotel), and another girl tells me that she’s shy and can’t stay long, so she wants to do me first, while the other two go for food.  Anyone see anything wrong with this picture?  In Vegas, this is definitely getting played, BUT, this is Thailand, where honor in the service industry means something!

While we’re working out the details, my buddy has already been going at it for the last 20 minutes, hardcore!  So I give each girl 300 bhat for food and a cab and send them on their way.  Then the shy one starts working on me.  This girl was even more beautiful than she was on stage.  It started off with a full body oil massage and then, don’t ask.  It looked like the Las Vegas Fire department had put out a fire in my room.  Foam, water, soaked everywhere!  My buddy had his hanging upside down from the rafters.  It was, by far, the best cardio exercise that I’ve had in a while.  It was so good, I forgot to take my Viagra and Cialis cocktail!  And as soon as the referee rang the bell, sounding the end of the match, my other two companions returned from their feast ready for their bout...

... I used to think that I was getting out of shape when I couldn’t last more than an hour (when I was in my youth), but after witnessing these two beauties collapse after only two hours, I knew that my fears were unfounded. Here I was, an old guy (26 in dog years) and two hotties, doing both at the same time, I wore them out! (Btw, now is a good time to reiterate why Physical Ed is more important than ever in the elementary school system)!...

 

... remember that scene in James Bond’s Dr. No, when Tanaka is bringing Mr. Bond to a bathhouse to get a massage?  Multiply that by 10 and you get the idea.  This was totally therapeutic, since due to my low Potassium levels (no bananas on the flight), my muscles were all spasmed out...


... So it’s got to be 4-5 hours later and it’s time for them to say goodbye. Even though I wanted them to stay, it wasn’t going to happen.  The hotel would need to call in a hazmat team to clean up the suite.  No nook was left untouched by the six of us.  It was a glorious first night.  

So time to pay the piper.  I was informed earlier that the usual and customary fee was 1,000 bhat.  I gave the first girl 2,500 (hey, what can I say, I’m living the dream).  The super hot girl wanted 4,000.  I almost choked, but I thought that it was wise to keep up appearances (I didn’t want the word to get around town that Vegas guys are cheap), so I gave both of them 4,000 bhat each, (even gave my buddy’s girl 500 bhat), got their cell numbers and kissed them all goodbye.
I’m out over 10,000 bhat CASH!  I’m wondering if I brought enough currency with me from the states.  I quickly pull out my iPhone and run my currency app.  Let’s see... 10,000 bhat converted to USD is approximately...  $326.  As compared to a night in Vegas... $1,100 and no blue balls.... Priceless!

 

BTW, did I mention that I got free HBO & Cinemax? I can’t wait to travel to Pattaya to play some golf. But before I do, I need to find myself a professional, personal ball washer.Because every golfer knows – you can’t play golf with dirty balls.

Now I understand the lyrics: “One night in Bangkok makes the hard man humble...I can feel the devil walking next to me!”

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