Beard Rules


WOMEN CAN’T RESIST AN ATTRACTIVE BEARD like David Beckham’s. But poorly groomed facial hair can come across sometimes as a little creepy to women. To grow your finest, first give yourself 6-8 weeks of growing time before you start to trim it. Then pick a style you’re happy with and start with regular maintenance. Most styles require you to trim your neck hair and any stragglers on your cheekbones. Trim all stray hairs with a razor, and then if you’re having problems shaping your beard, have a barber give it a proper shape. Ladies love beards that are soft and nice to stroke. Stubble hurts, so use a conditioner as part of regular maintenance. Remember, the right beard can add elegance, mystery and gravitas.


It’s a guy thing — we men can grow beards in all shapes and sizes, but some styles are simply a turn-off for women. Men, take note.

Graffiti Face: Anything drawn on your face looks like your dorm roommates used Sharpie on your face when you passed out drunk.

Sasquatch: Joaquin Phoenix in the movie, I’m Still Here – the perfect example of the unkept beard that women don’t like.

The Chin Strap: This skinny-bitch line drawn across the upper lip and down around the chin looks more like a muzzle than anything you could call “beard.”

Pussy Face: Any teeny-tiny triangular patch of facial hair below the lip looks more like a custom-waxed pussy.

Porn Stache: The thick moustache that grows wide, past the top lip, stereotypes you as a circus ringmaster or porn star.

The Moustache: Pretty much every other style of moustache (from Hitler-skinny to slender-drawn moustaches can make men look shifty to women ...but can land you a job as a car salesman.

Bushy Sideburns: Trim, just trim…

Muttonchops: Can anyone say the movie, Deliverance?
Amish Beard: Did we not say “Amish?!” Leave it to the Amish!

ZZ Top Beard: Women like Viggo Mortenson as King Aragorn in Lord of the Rings with his rogue beard, but not Gandalf (Ian McKellen). Way too much!

The Hairy Neck: Uh… read all the above… Need we say more?

The Goatee: There’s the goatee that conjures up images of: “date rape” – and then there are the “others” (the few men who can actually rock this look) like a Robert Downey Jr., Johnny Depp, David Beckham, and of course, women love Brad Pitt’s full beard in the film, Legends Of The Fall. 

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