SEX and SIN CITY
by Lilith Diana
Sex and Sin City is an ongoing feature by STRIPLV writer, Lilith Diana, as she shares with us her spunky and erotic look into her sometimes informational, sometimes steamy moments and thoughts on sex.
PLAYFUL SEX MAKES GREAT SEX
Great sex... the kind that when you recall the details and replay scenes of it in your mind, your body can’t help but get the shivers and your sex parts start feeling a little warm and swollen... I can recall quite a few nights of really great sex – and I often do – and something that most of those really great sex occurrences have in common is how fun and playful Ash and I were during them. Laughing, playing, being a little silly ... just fun, with a mind-blowing orgasm at the end. Because of this, I was quite surprised to read some recent data, which reported that three out of five men and women want a more playful and fun sex life. That’s right. 59 percent of the men and women polled by International Communications Research want to have more fun between the sheets. Now, of course, knowing that Ash’s and my playful sex sometimes results in great sex, I would want more of it. But I get the sense that the people polled in this study don’t want more playful sex, they just want to have playful sex. There’s a difference there, and that difference is a big one. So how does one add more fun to the bedroom? I imagine it’s different for everyone, but for Ash and me, here are a few foolproof things that have helped us have fun, amazing sex.
• WE DO OUR RESEARCH. I have it a little easier, because I am constantly researching different aspects of sex for my job. But the professional research I do always benefits my personal life. Even if I stumble upon things that I’m not into, it’s still interesting, and knowing what I’m not into is almost as beneficial as knowing what I am into. For me, research includes reading articles, watching porn, masturbating and fantasizing. All of those things help me get to know what my sexual needs and wants are – and how I (and others) can satisfy them. I truly believe that if you don’t know how to satisfy yourself, no one else will be able to satisfy you.
• ONCE WE KNOW WHAT WE LIKE, WE TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT IT. Now, I know I only talked about my research above, but I know Ash does his research, too, and I know this because every so often he’ll come to me and say, “I have a new position for us to try,” or, “I’ve been thinking about doing XYZ. Would you be into trying that?” And I go to him with things, too. Talking about your sexual wants and needs can be hard. According to the same study, 81 percent of people said they wanted a better sex life, but only a third had ever broached the topic with their partners. I will admit that the first couple discussions Ash and I had were awkward. If I wanted him to change his fingering technique or wanted to try something I had read about, it wasn’t always easy to tell him. I was afraid I’d hurt his feelings and/or bruise his ego. But, at the same time, I also knew that he wanted to satisfy me, and he wanted to know how he could do that. And every time we brought something new or different to the table, it got easier, and now it’s a complete turn on to hear what Ash wants to try next, and I know he feels the same way when I bring something up. It means we’re thinking about each other and that we want to sexually satisfy each other, which is a huge part of being in a relationship.
• WE ROLE-PLAY. Some of the best sex has been while I’m dressed up as a slutty teacher, giving Ash a lesson on how to go down on me or how to tease my asshole. One time, we even planned this whole elaborate night of meeting out in public as two complete strangers. We drove separately, sat away from each other at the bar, had aliases. It was all completely ridiculous, but it was fucking fun! Literally! We still look back on that night and laugh about it. One of the greatest parts about role-playing is it gives you permission to be someone else. If you have a hard time verbalizing what you want, try being someone else. Maybe whoever you dress up as will have an easier time asking “this stranger” to do whatever it is that will turn you on.
• WE USE SEX TOYS. Sex toys are just plain fun, and Ash and I have had a lot of fun experimenting with all the different options. Want a pink butterfly or purple rabbit to vibrate your clit? There’s one of those. Want something to add some girth and texture to your dick? There’s that, too. Want to wear something that will vibrate your clit AND G-spot while your man is fucking you? Yep, that’s available, too. C-rings, masturbators, anal beads and plugs, bullets… if you can’t find a sex toy you want to at least try – you are not using your imagination. And while sex toys are often associated with masturbation, they don’t have to be exclusively used during self-pleasuring. Sure, they are great for that, but why not play with them together during foreplay? Why not use her favorite vibrator on her clit while you’re fucking her doggie style? Why not treat your man to a vibrating C-ring (trust me, when you ride him, it’ll be a treat for you, too). Through our sex toy experimentation, we’ve found some really great toys, but we’ve also found some duds (like the suction-cup dildo that Ash found on Amazon and bought to watch me fuck while showering, but when it arrived, it turned out to be flaccid...). Some of them are just silly – like the vibrating mouthpiece that you wear while giving head or going down on her, which makes you feel like a football player with a mouth-guard in. I know, sexy, right?! My favorite toy, though, is the vibrating panty set that we took on our honeymoon. Controlled by a little ring that Ash wore on his finger, he got to tease and taunt me all night long, and every time he’d turn it on, I’d jump and we’d both get a little giggle out of it (especially when he turned it on while I was talking to someone). No one was the wiser, but by the time we got back to our hotel room, I was definitely ready for the real deal.
• WE WATCH PORN TOGETHER. Nearly every Sunday, Ash and I get naked, hop into bed with the iPad and indulge in an hour of porn watching together. We touch ourselves; we touch each other. We use toys. We talk about what we like in this or that porn. We point out amazing boobs and we laugh at the awful tattoos. It’s our lazy sex, but it’s fun. I have a lot of female friends that don’t enjoy watching porn. They feel self-conscious watching it with their partners, fearing that their lover is stacking them up to the women on film. And as usual, it all comes back to communication. Ash knows what turns me on when it comes to porn. I’m not into watching really rough sex. I’m not into multiple dicks in one girl. I am into girl-on-girl action. I’m into sex where people actually look like they are having real sex and having fun doing it. I like it dirty, but I also like pretty girls, and clean scenes. But I like dirty talk, and I like to watch people do some pretty raunchy things. My porn palette didn’t form overnight, though. It took time, and it took me watching porn to figure out what my likes and dislikes were. Porn, to me, is just another sex tool, like a sex toy, like lubricant, like anything else that would help set the mood. I don’t need porn to get off, and neither does Ash. But on lazy Sundays, this is a win-win. You might be thinking that none of these things are specifically playful, and you’d be absolutely right. But for Ash and me, role-playing, playing with toys, watching porn and everything we do between the sheets is fun, and in my mind and in my relationship, sex is all about being playful. I don’t think we’d be having as much of it if it wasn’t. But the No. 1 way to have playful sex is to communicate. We are able to have so much fun, while still being raunchy, passionate and romantic even, because we communicate about our sexual needs and wants all the time. Sure, it can be an unsettling, vulnerable feeling, but, hopefully in the end, a few minutes of discomfort will lead to a partnership full of playful, amazing sex.
XOXO, Lilith Diana TheLilithDiaries.com
Follow Lilith on Twitter @LilithDiana