INVASION OF THE BOTTLERATS
BY EDDIE RIVKIN
The LVCDC (LAS VEGAS CENTER for DISEASE CONTROL) has issued an URGENT WARNING regarding a newly discovered, highly dangerous, radioactive, toxic new breed of RODENT currently infesting the entire nightclub scene, called THE BOTTLERAT!
If you are a club-goer, tourist or local, and purchase “Bottle Service” at any of the clubs in Vegas, you are in serious danger! Symptoms include: severe financial loss, painful blue balls, and a variety of other serious ailments if you are infected by these filthy dirty disgusting rodents!
You must protect yourself at all times from this evil species, and that is easier said than done. This rodent is a hybrid of your average sewer rat, mixed with fake designer clothes, spray-painted red on the bottom high heels, and on numerous occasions has been seen sporting a tiara bought at Forever 21.
What makes these Rats so difficult to spot is they are Shape Shifters. To be specific, they are the exact opposite of the Shape Shifters you can see every Sunday night on True Blood. While Sam Merlotte can shift from human form to any animal or insect, these Bottlerats shift from rabid, filthy, disgusting rodents to (on the surface) attractive females!
But fear not! Your humble scribe is here to protect you! I interviewed three industry leaders and got the TRUTH about the infestation, as well as numerous tips for recognizing these Rats, and how to prevent them from infesting your table and draining both your wallet and bottles. And just to show you how serious this problem really is, I donned my HAZMAT suit and accompanied a very well-known promoter on his nightly rounds of the club scene. I had to witness, firsthand, just how dangerous Bottlerats can be. The names of the industry leaders must be kept secret, as they are currently employed by clubs here in town. But I assure you, the Q & A is very real, and their views illustrate the dire situation caused by the infestation. Additionally, in an attempt to present both sides of the issue, I searched high and low for a Bottlerat to interview for the story. Unfortunately, Bottlerats are not conversational in the English language, they only mumble and slur in their native tongue, which sounds like a mixture of Vulcan and Hood Rat.
ER: Let’s start with an easy one. What’s the definition of a Bottlerat?
II: It’s women that go into clubs and randomly (though not always) land at your table, drink all your booze, and when the booze is gone, they’re gone.
ER: Is that their sole purpose in life, to drain male customers of their booze?
II: Yes, they travel in packs of up to 5 or 10, and the hosts often try to SELL THEM OFF to often unknowing, soon to be victimized, free-spending customers. The host has his hand out when he brings the Rats to the table, so he makes money. The club makes money because the booze goes quicker, and ultimately, the customer becomes the victim. That’s essentially what they do. Sometimes they even order more liquor, telling the victim their friend doesn’t drink vodka, hoping to get them to buy another bottle. Left unchecked, these villainous Rats will just keep running up the tab until a guy just has to tap out.
ER: How long has this species been in existence?
II: Maybe since the beginning of time.
ER: OK, but how about this particular breed? Between the three of you, there is over 40 years of experience in the nightlife business. Have they been infesting the club scene since you started?
II: More so recently, with the huge number of mega clubs that came along, came the newest breed of Mega Bottlerat. There has always been fleecing of bottle prices. But bottle service pretty much was invented in Vegas. The clubs know, if you fill it up with the hottest women, guys will follow, and spend. I believe, in addition to just getting in for free and drinking for free, some of the clubs offer “kickbacks” to their favorite Bottlerats that are the best at running up victims’ bills. The clubs clearly use the Bottlerats to manipulate the consumer.
ER: Are Bottlerats poisonous?
II: I have never been bit by one, so I can’t say firsthand. But I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, they are ravenous, with an unquenchable appetite for YOUR bottle! And after a night of bottle draining, they have to return to the sewer, where it’s safe for them.
ER: Do Bottlerats speak English?
II: Not really, especially after a few shots.
ER: I am not much of a club-goer. Can you share with our readers how you recognize a Bottlerat? Do they have a certain smell?
II: They have a certain gait, a very confident walk (when you see them at the beginning of the night). They are always looking to see who is looking at them. But by midnight, they are pretty sloppy, and more often than not, are dancing around clumsily with their fake Louboutin shoes off. The easiest tell is they camp at tables, and the second the booze runs out, as a pack, they bolt. They’ll often mutter: “We are going to the restroom,” and next thing you know, they are sitting in the booth next to yours sucking them dry.
ER: Can you build me the ultimate Bottlerat, like how you can build a teddy bear in one of the mall stores?
II: It starts with a too-short skirt, jutting fake boobs, shoes that don’t quite fit, a smell like they sprayed a little of every perfume in the restroom. Occasionally, they will sport a headpiece, (a cheap tiara) under the guise of being a bachelorette.
ER: Do Bottlerats have any signature moves that if a customer saw them, would know to run the other way?
II: Definitely! Jumping up and down on the couch with no shoes on is a sure sign – one arm in the air with a drink in their hand. Shaking the head is another pretty good sign.
ER: How does a girl know if SHE is a Bottlerat? Do you think they know? Or even aspire to be a Bottlerat? Is there a pecking order or status level in the Bottlerat community? Maybe something like in the military? Private Bottlerat? Sergeant Bottlerat? Captain Bottlerat?
II: There are definitely different levels. There’s the true professional who doesn’t even need a host. They are the most dangerous of the species, as they know they are hot and will literally sit right down at your table and start making themselves a drink. But mostly they travel in packs, and that can be very, very dangerous to a man’s financial well-being. Once in a while, you will find a solo flyer Rat, but it’s pretty rare. And no story would be complete without mentioning the Retired Bottlerat Association.
ER: The RBA? Very nice!
II: Yes, there is a select group of extremely worn-out Bottlerats that are grasping onto their last straw of beauty, and their only chance at feeding is arriving well after the young Bottlerats have fed and the victims are extremely drunk.
ER: Back in the day, all the 8’s 9’s and 10’s in Las Vegas worked in the strip clubs. With the creation of Pure at Caesars, all the hottest women in Vegas are now Bottle Service waitresses.
II: I totally agree. The talent at strip clubs has gone WAY down since all the Mega clubs opened.
ER: Do you think these waitresses are in on it? I mean, do you think these waitresses call their hot girlfriends and bring them to the club, and then to their tables, to run up their customers’ tabs? And if you do you think it’s true, do you think they get compensated for it?
II: That is very possible. With all tabs having an 18-20% auto gratuity added, bringing ones girlfriends to run up tabs is probably much easier than the hard up sell which all clubs demand of their waitresses. If a waitress doesn’t make quota, her number of nights on her schedule can get cut. They can be put in bad sections, even fired for nonperformance. So it’s not a huge stretch to think there could be a very big Bottlerat/waitress conspiracy going on nightly.
ER: Oh My God! There’s a Bottlerat Mafia! Do you think the whole concept of Bottlerats is just one big bait and switch? As in the guy is never going to “close”? Or are Bottlerats also prostitutes?
II: Not necessarily. There is always a competition between the “whales” in a club. One guy buys 30 bottles of Dom Pérignon, the next guy has to one-up him and buys 40. The Bottlerat is good at stoking the ego of a “Baller,” and that certainly helps sales in a big way. As far as a direct transaction for prostitution, I am pretty sure it happens, though not likely out in the open. Some of these guys have unlimited bankroll. So if a Bottlerat, or for that matter, any person catches their eye, who knows what kind of deal might be made. They are certainly two separate species: Bottlerats and prostitutes. But I have absolutely no doubt there is a hybrid species of them, potentially even deadlier than either species separately.
ER: Since guys really just go to clubs to get laid, can a regular male “close the deal” with a Bottlerat?
II: It’s possible. Anything’s possible, especially when you add lots of booze. That isn’t what real Bottlerats are there for, so I guess we have a new breed of closeable ones we should call: The Accidental Bottlerat.
ER: What’s an Accidental Bottlerat?
II: I think they are regular girls who go to the club, get found by a VIP host, and get sold to a table. Then they start drinking for free. And being non-pros, are more likely to be closed by a high roller.
ER: So like True Blood, VIP Hosts can “make” Bottlerats out of seemingly normal women. That’s frightening!
ER: What happens if a young Lance Corporal Bottlerat gets too drunk? Since they aren’t technically employed by the club, do they just escort them out? Do they take them to the back to sober them up a little, so they can return to battle?
II: I am not sure. They usually just disappear. Back to the sewer, I guess.
ER: I have heard stories about Bottlerats bringing their boyfriend along and introducing them as a gay cousin, something like that? What the hell, really?!
II: What they do is bring their guys along. The guys have to get in on their own, but once they are in, they hang near the table their Bottlerat friend is at, and the Bottlerat tries to sneak them drinks. You will often catch a Bottlerat pouring two drinks at a time. That’s a bad sign, for sure. Not only is she ripping you off, she’s getting him drunk off your bottle and you are out much sooner than you would be with just the Bottlerat. It is very despicable, but what would you expect from a species called Bottlerats? Right?
ER: Do these Bottlerats have any redeeming quality, social or otherwise, at all?
II: Sure! – at the start of the night. When they arrive at the club, they are like the pretty girl-next-door. It’s just that a couple hours in, when they start speaking slurry, stuttering Bottlerat, that they show their true colors and are seen as the true waste of oxygen and good booze they really are.
ER: How does a guy, who just wants to have a good time at the club and try to get laid, defend and protect himself from Bottlerats?
II: Best thing is to just say no, I guess.
ER: Is there any sort of spray repellent that can keep them away from your table and booze?
II: Sadly, it’s not that sophisticated yet.
ER: Obviously, a velvet rope isn’t going to stop these monsters from invading?
II: No, no – a velvet rope to a Bottlerat is like a homing signal.
ER: What can stop this infestation from happening every night at every table in every club?
II: Nothing can really. That is the sad reality. You can try to shoo them away and pawn them off on another table, but that is very difficult to do. If they smell (your) booze, it’s very difficult to rid yourself of them.
ER: Have you ever heard of a customer complaining that they got ripped off by a Bottlerat? Not ripped off, as in wallet stolen, etc. Ripped off, like taken advantage of, misled, things like that?
II: Sure. But honestly, most of the time, they never even realize what is happening. They come in, get sat, get swarmed by the Bottlerats, think they are getting lucky, get drained of their bottles, the Bottlerats disappear, and THEN comes the bad news in the form of the tab!
ER: What do you hate most about Bottlerats?
II: Definitely at the end of the night. When they have sucked dry as many victims as they could and are still wandering and staggering aimlessly, barefoot, searching for the last scraps of half-drunk drinks. They are a disgusting, filthy, ravenous breed!
ER: Best Bottlerat you have ever witnessed?
II: Oh my, I’ve seen so many – some so good, they should be inducted into the Bottlerat Hall of Fame.
ER: Where is the Bottlerat Hall of Fame?
II: Underground of course, deep underground, in the sewer – with just a couple of entrances via manhole covers throughout the city.
II: Best Bottlerats I have ever seen was a crew of four working the circuit last year during NFR (National Finals Rodeo). All the clubs had a semi-country theme to attract whatever cowboy money was in town. There were four young cowboys sitting in a booth sharing a bottle of Crown and they clearly had a “deer caught in the headlights” look about them. These four Bottlerats pounced on them! The massacre took about 3 hours total. The boys went from a bottle of Crown to 12 bottles of Dom Pérignon, 6 Grey Goose and 3 or 4 bottles of Patrón. The bill was far from the highest I have seen, for sure, but when the boys got the (I am guessing) $15,000 bill, they turned whiter than the picture of a KKK meeting at high noon. These professional Bottlerats had no conscience whatsoever, while clearly destroying these young cowboys Vegas adventure. Absolutely despicable!
ER: Do you think Bottlerats will ever be extinct, like the dinosaurs?
II: No, not really. I suspect there might be a Bottlerat gene that is passed from unwed single mother Bottlerat to baby Bottlerat, and so on. As they begin to develop, they are indoctrinated into the ways of the Bottlerat.
ER: You mean there is a Bottlerat school?
II: Of course!
ER: But since Bottlerats cannot read or write and just basically mumble unintelligently, how or what do they learn at Bottlerat school?
II: They learn to drink!
ER: No way to eradicate Bottlerats?
II: Not that I am aware of.
ER: So they will survive a nuclear holocaust, like cockroaches?
II: Pretty much, yes. Bottlerats spawn Bottlerats, and the vicious cycle repeats itself.
ER: OK, a couple of semi-serious questions and I will end this insanity. In your expert opinions, do the venues actually compensate the Bottlerats for their successes at running up customers’ tabs?
II: I have not actually seen an exchange of cash; however I am pretty positive the clubs are more than willing to provide compensation to Bottlerats for a job well done.
ER: Do you think these multimillion dollar mega clubs actually employ this species for the expressed purpose of fleecing the customer?
II: Maybe. I believe it’s very likely they do. Now, their title probably isn’t Bottlerat, it’s not a huge leap to think that Bottlerats could be deployed nightly, seeking only to drain customers of the booze and bankroll.
ER: Seems to me, if I were the owner of one of these mega clubs, I would (pseudo) employ an entire army of Bottlerats.
II: For sure! Some clubs go so far as to fly in Bottlerats from other cities.
ER: Oh no, FLYING BOTTLERATS?
II: Yes, for sure! It’s usually for special occasions and for specific events. I have heard that there is a certain clientele of high roller (that visits in the early spring) that has a huge thing for blue-eyed blondes. The clubs all have rolodexes of super hot Bottlerats for any occasion. And on this annual pilgrimage to our city, the hottest blondes from around the country are all brought here specifically to help fleece the high rollers.
II: Now the flying Bottlerats do have to fly under the plane, usually caged in the cargo section to ensure the safety of the passengers. Besides, it’s much cheaper to fly the Bottlerats in cargo, than with a passenger ticket.
ER: Would you say this whole Bottlerat phenomenon with the complicity of the clubs is just one big scam to shakedown, hoodwink, and fleece the tourists?
II: I don’t think that’s the whole thing, but it’s certainly the filthy underbelly reality of the club scheme. It’s not in a business plan, but I am sure the clubs are aware and turn a blind eye to imply complicity and approval of all the revenue they generate. I think it is just part of the clubs, part of the Las Vegas “experience.” I feel like there is even some form of acceptance, as strange as it seems. People just sort expect it’s going to happen and don’t seem to care. Being a local, it’s totally strange to me to accept being fleeced like that. Sure glad I am not a tourist, I’ll tell you that!
Before I end this semi-serious satirical look at the Bottlerat, I’d like to leave you with a few clues I picked up from watching the experts. Follow these closely and you will go a long way to preventing a heinous violation of your wallet while partying at a Las Vegas Night Club.
• When you walk up to a beautiful young woman at a club and ask to buy her a drink, and she replies: “Sure, if you have a table.”
• Once she gets to your table, she immediately (and repeatedly) starts pouring herself drinks and seems to spend more time paying attention to your bottle, than to you.
• When she gets to your table, her first comment is dismissive of your choice of booze and advises you what you should be drinking and what SHE wants to drink.
• She will NEVER be seen drinking alone at the bar!
• She is fun, and so flirty that you think you have a chance, right up until the bottle starts to run dry and you don’t reorder. (Get ready for her to disappear!)
• Watch her carefully. If she is passing drinks to a friend, you are being had!
Good Luck and Happy Clubbing!