By Lilith Diana

According to Great Sexpectations: The Power of Mindful Sex, mindfulness is “being intentional, planning ahead and deliberately choosing your actions. Mindfulness is being attentive, by staying aware in the present moment. Mindfulness is releasing judgments and accepting the present moment as it truly is.” And most importantly, mindfulness can enhance pleasure and intimacy during sex with a partner and during solo sex.

1 • Add sex/intimacy to your to-do list

“When I’m having sex, I often think about all the other things I have to do that day,” a friend told me. “I enjoy the time to connect with my partner, but when life is hectic and I have a lot to get done, I’m not always completely present.” For many people, taking time out to relax and be pleasured makes them feel guilty when they know they have so much else to do, but the truth of the matter is, your partner and you also need to “get done.” So when life is crazy, and to-do lists are ever growing, put sex on your to-do list. Sex is just as important as doing the laundry and making dinner. And if you’re anything like me and get a rush by checking things off your to-do list, the high you’ll get from crossing “SEX” off your list will trump all the others!

2 • Limit distractions

For most of us, cell phones are the first things we look at in the morning and the last thing we see before we fall asleep. According to Locket, an Android app that has compiled data on its 150,000-plus users, on average, individual users check their phones 110 times per day, with the highest user unlocking it up to 900 times in a single day. Let’s assume that in a 24-hour day, we’re awake for about 17 hours. That means that we check our phones about six times per waking hour. That breaks down to once every 10 minutes! We all know habits are hard to break, but during sex, it’s important to limit distractions. Put your cell phones on silent, not even vibrate – because as soon as you hear that ding or buzz, you’re going to be wondering what just came through on your phone and not the dong or buzz happening in real life.

3 • Get comfortable

Mindfulness isn’t all about the mind. It’s also about the body. You need to be comfortable; otherwise you’ll be too busy thinking about the environment and how awkward it is. Being comfortable involves the right place, position, level of lighting, etc. Being comfortable also involves being comfortable with yourself. To-do lists and distractions are not the only things that keep us from being mindful. Self-doubt is another considerable hindrance to being in the moment. If you are worried about how your stomach looks in a particular position or if your pubic hair is too lush or whatever it is that you’re insecure about, you’re not going to be able to enjoy the moment. Just remember, we all have insecurities, but if you’re having sex with a partner, s/he probably – most likely – isn’t thinking about the thing(s) you’re self-conscious about.  They are just looking forward to having sex with you and sharing that moment and that pleasure with you – just as you want to share that with them.

4 • Pay attention – be present

Once you’ve decided that sex is a priority, limited distractions, and get comfortable, you’re certainly on your way to more mindful sex. “(But) one of the best ways to bring consciousness to sex is to slow everything down enough to feel what’s happening,” advised CEO and founder of The Ecstatic Awareness Institute, Triambika Ma Vive. Focus on each and every touch. Think about each sensation and how it makes you feel. This is an excellent way to keep your mind from wandering.

For women that have a hard time getting out of their heads and enjoying the moment, Dr. Amanda, Las Vegas’ own Sexologist, recommends the following: “Focus on your breathing.  Also, focus on squeezing your partner with your Kegel muscles during penetration. If it helps to imagine the sexiest part of sex while doing it (the in and out, the bodies touching, kissing, etc.) that might help you stay in your body. Also, doing it with the lights on and making eye contact can help you stay present.”

5 • It’s about the journey, not the destination

When I was asking a few of my friends what they think about during sex, one said: “Sometimes, I stress out about not orgasming. But on good days, I tell myself to let my thoughts go and enjoy the pleasure (and of course, that results in better sex).” 

When only one out of every three women orgasm, it’s no wonder so many women stress about it.

But I genuinely believe that an orgasm is like a pot of water you’re bringing to a boil, and like the expression goes: “A watched pot never boils.” If you’re stressing about if or how long it’s going to take to happen, you aren’t paying attention to all the things happening that could actually make you orgasm.

In today’s fast-paced, busy, tech-driven world, it can be hard for us to be mindful. But mindful sex is good sex. Mindful sex is being in the moment and paying attention to both your own pleasure and your partner’s, and that is what sex is all about. 

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