By Lainie Speiser

I don’t remember this happening, but my mother loves to tell the story: When I was a toddler I noticed my father had a penis for the first time. We are a European family and nudity was common. My mother, who had grown up to be shy about her body, wanted my sister and me to feel confident and comfortable about ourselves, so our home was something of a nudist colony. My mother said I was in the bathroom with her and my father; we may have been taking a family shower when afterward I noticed my father’s junk. “What’s that?” I asked pointing to it. “That’s your Daddy’s penis,” my mother said in Spanish. “Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.” My dad was sitting on the closed toilet drying off his legs when I came over for a closer look. After a brief inspection I took a towel and covered his lap like a blanket because “His penis is sleeping,” I observed. How did I know the difference between a flaccid cock and a hard cock? I say instinct. Anyway, my Mom loves this story, almost as much as she loves the story of me locking myself in the bathroom and having the local firemen get me out, and when the door finally opened I asked the fireman, “Do you like my ponytails?” Instinct, I tell you, I was born loving men and loving dick.

Recently when I was on a promotional New York City tour with porn icon Lisa Ann, I was accused of being a size queen. The Jim Norton and Sam Roberts Show had Lisa Ann on as a guest, and they showed her a video of rapper Safaree’s swinging his enormous penis around. Without even thinking, sitting on the couch off the side, I exclaimed, “WOW!!!” And the wonderful Jim and Sam just about busting a gut laughing at me. A few days later I brought another client, Ralph Sutton of the podcast, “The SDR Show,” and the soundbite of my reaction kept playing. “Are you a size queen, Lainie,” asked Jim Norton. Because I don’t like to step on my clients’ time to shine, I just nodded and winked. But they would not stop there. Another guest saw the infamous video again and said, “I don’t think I could say yes to that!” To which I retorted, “But it’s fun to try!” And I ended up talking about big dicks some more, admitting to millions of people that I am a “Crotch Watcher.”

If you think about it, the way men care about the size of women’s breasts and butts, it’s only fair that us ladies care about the size of the penis and ass. And while you can check out a tush on a guy, it’s not always easy to guesstimate the size of a man’s member. But in some cases, it is possible. I recently happened upon a photo of 80s pop star Rick Springfield at an event and immediately noticed the hang of his wang. I could see the outline on his expensively faded jeans, I saw which side he hangs it and how long it is, and let me tell you, it’s impressive. I texted the photo to a few people I know who would care and said, “Is it just me or is Rick Springfield packing some heat?” My gay husband Craig responded immediately, “Yes he does. But check out this photo of Jon Hamm!”

Penthouse Pet Ryan Keely, another dick lover and crotch watcher, and I have had many conversations about our favorite skin toy, and we both agreed: If you’re on a date with a short man who has a large penis, he should try to work it into the conversation without looking too presumptuous or sleazy. This way we could both overlook the fact that in high heels, we are taller than said man. We’ve also talked about how comical the penis looks when he’s walking around wearing a tee shirt and no pants; we call it The Porky Pig or The Daffy Duck.

But I’m not the size queen I’ve been made out to be. As I said, I love dick. I’d love to have one for 24 hours, and I would spend half the time playing with it and the other half of the time using it. I’d also get a job at Starbucks and stick my hard dick in all of the coffee beans, just swish it around and enjoy the sensation, then really enjoy watching countless strangers drinks that coffee that had my dick all over it. Pussy is fine, I’m not a self-hating woman, and the balls I know are probably a pain in the ass, always worrying about sitting on them and such, but a dick is a sword, and I’d enjoy swinging mine around for a short time. I’ve even imagined what my own dick would look like if I were a man. I picture it realistically. I don’t think I’d be terribly long, but I’m sure I’d have one of those beer can wangs, with a big bush fire crotch above it. Men don’t have to groom down there if they don’t want to, us ladies in today’s day and age really can’t do that; it would be nasty and smelly.

My girlfriends and gay male friends are well aware of my love of dick. So much so that almost all of them have sent me photos of their lovers, boyfriends or husband’s dicks to see if I approve of it. I appreciate that, but as a rule— like most women— I’m not a fan of receiving the random dick picks that you get on social media and online dating. I want to see the whole body, not just the dick because you really can’t judge a penis without seeing what it looks in relation to the body. I feel sorry for tall and/or big men with smaller penises, I admit, but it’s not been a deal breaker either. I know what it is to be with a man with a micropenis.

One young man that I briefly dated was a military man who was pretty cute. We got intimate on the first date after he impressed me with his jukebox choices (I’m a sucker for Musical Youth’s “Pass the Dutchie”). When we got to my place things got hot quickly, and when I unzipped his pants, I saw what looked like the penis of a five-year-old on a 30- year-old man. The sex wasn’t bad, quite the opposite. Because the truth is a vagina doesn’t require nine thick inches to get off, and because it was so small, it was the hardest penis I ever felt, due to how little blood is required to make it so. And because of the small amount of blood required to make his penis hard, his refractory period was extremely short. He could fuck like a teenager, giving it to me five times in a night. And he knew his tiny penis was the elephant in the room and he told me after he made me squirt (my only time squirting), he said, “I know I’m small so I learned other tricks to make a woman happy.” Well done, but it was still a bit creepy, putting that baby dick in my mouth, and yet when he stopped calling me I was supremely insulted. Cool women like me aren’t hanging off trees, you know.

A lot of men have learned that trimming their trunks can make their dicks look bigger, and I think that’s true, but a man with no pubic hair makes the dick look ridiculous. Like an alien flesh puppet, and not in a good way. One man I met decided to shave off all of his pubes right before he came over to have sex with me for the first time. When he pulled down his pants, I winced. All of the skin around his dick was red and irritated looking and when we started fucking I could feel the skin get more and more irritated. I felt so uncomfortable and worried that I was hurting him, it felt like he was on fire. So, guys, if you have the desire to shave off your pubes, or if someone requests that you do, please treat it like shaving your face. Lather up, cream up and lotion up, otherwise you’re in for the rash of your lifetime.

I love my husband’s junk so much, he named his penis Willie for me, and I named his left ball, Ole Reliable Lowey because I think it’s adorable how his left one hangs lower than the right one. I’ve been told in the past by more than one man, that referring to a man’s penis or even balls as cute or adorable is not nice. I guess they think it doesn’t sound manly or threatening enough. But if I’m going to be with this set of penis and balls for the long haul, I want us to be best friends. David thank goodness is a confident man, and he loves all of the attention I give the boys, and I think that’s what should count. So, while I’ve enjoyed the challenge of handling an anaconda like Safaree’s, I never wanted to keep it for too long. I’ve stopped seeing men who are very big because it limited the positions that we could do, or I should say, I could do, without feeling like I was being split in two. It’s not a good hurt, and it’s not fun to have to sit with a bag of peas from the freezer against my crotch so the swelling will go down. I remember when I interviewed Evan Seinfeld, the rock star - turned porn star who has a huge dick— and who even before he did porn, enjoyed showing it off on the HBO show “Oz.” “Lainie you know women have babies, so the vagina can take a lot,” he told me. This is true, but I always thought I’d have a C section if I were going to have a baby, so I could avoid that experience completely.

And it’s not just about size; there’s also different colors and shapes. I’ve had big debates with women on dark dick versus pink/beige dick. Though these days I’m not as picky as I used to be about color (I used to think dark dick looked like dooky), the one thing I’m not a fan of is the Neapolitan Ice Cream Dick. That’s a cock that has literally three different colors, vanilla, strawberry and chocolate. I find that weird to look at. On the other hand, I can totally dig on a man who’s got an upward curve. It always hits the right spots inside. Then there’s the head: I’ve seen big dicks with a small cap, and I’ve seen small dicks with a huge helmet. There’s one dick I will always picture to this day. His name was Jethro (really), and he had a big hillbilly penis to match, curved upwards with a large helmet to match. His penis reminded me of those giant mushrooms from Alice in Wonderland, and I was all too happy to take many merry trips with it. Sometimes a woman can remember that dick more vividly than the man that was attached to it.

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