ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK
EXCERPTS FROM THE UPCOMING BOOK
By The Commander
... Our driver named “Noon” (don’t Thai people have really cool names?) was busy that day, so his brother (NO, his name wasn’t “Midnight”… asshole!) was driving us to Pattaya Beach (see Pic Pattaya Beach), a town about 100 miles away from Bangkok. The trip took about 90 minutes, since we were flying down the highway at 140 KPH (that’s 85 mph). That’s not really fast for someone like me who likes to drive fast, but when you’re on the bumper of the car ahead of you with no visibility AND you’re driving on the wrong side of the road! We get to Pattaya about 2 hours later and pull into a very congested, traffic-clogged resort town, heading to our hotel, the Siam Bayview Hotel, which is situated between Beach Road and 2nd Street near Soi 10. While it looks ok, it turned out to be a disaster. Based upon my friend’s recommendation, we booked 2 rooms for 6 nights at this hotel through Expedia. Little did we know what would follow. This hotel, the Siam Bayview Hotel, was UNDER construction! It was located next to another hotel that was undergoing demolition. Third, (you’re supposed to understand that the prior complaints were actually items one and two), our bedrooms were supposed to come with king-size beds, but instead had 2 twin beds that were shoe boxes with running water and bathrooms with major ceiling water damage constantly falling down on the floor. There was no free WiFi in the rooms and the last straw was they charged 1,000 bhat to bring a girl back to your room, for any reason, for any length of time (i.e. 10 minutes)! (I believe that’s 6 complaints, but who’s counting?)
Well, that was enough. We pulled out of this shithole (a shithole that was masquerading as a hotel) the first thing the next morning, placed a dispute on our credit cards, and walked down the street to locate another nearby hotel. We found a sparkling brand new hotel, named the STAY Hotel (just opened 6 months ago) within one block, checked in, and was paying less than we were for that shithole, the Siam Bayview Hotel (in case you forgot to write down the name the first time). Correction, I forgot to tell you, when we checked out, I walked down the street first, my buddy spent 30 minutes cursing out everyone he could find in the hotel calling them motherfucker this, and motherfucker that, and... You get the idea.
So now I’m in my nice hotel, loving it, unpacked, booked the place for 8 nights and washed the stink of that shithole, the Siam Bayview Hotel, off of my skin. Oh, I forgot to tell you, my millionaire buddy thought that the $65/night at the STAY hotel was too much, so he booked a room 20 feet away directly across the street at another place where the problems of that shithole, the Siam Bayview Hotel, didn’t exist. Once again, it wasn’t my kind of place and since the extra $20/night didn’t bother me, I opted for an L.A. style boutique hotel, complete with rooftop infinity pool, outdoor bar, home of the super-hot models, etc. Think Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas, only much smaller. And no 1,000 baht charges for visiting women of the night!...
... back to my regular schedule. Shower, nap, dress, find female victims, etc. We take the baht bus (they call it a bus – it’s actually a Toyota pickup with a covered bed and metal rails. It stops, you climb on back, push the buzzer when you want to get off (off the bus, silly... but I like the way you think!), pay the driver... Simple. The cost is 10 baht (33 cents). We travel down to the area called “Walking Street”. This is basically a New Orleans-style Bourbon Street/Key West, with lots of side streets that house approximately 500 bars (there’s over 1,500 bars in Pattaya Beach!) There are bars of all kinds: strip clubs, Russian dance clubs, hookah bars, hooker bars, blowjob bars, rock bars, discos, etc, with every nasty street vendor and barkers imaginable. A real shithole (the street itself is a dirty, nasty, smelling, disgusting area) where every tourist goes for fun, the bars and restaurants are nice, air conditioned, vibrant, fun, but the street…PEW! Locals tend to avoid the place (unless of course, they’re working there) and instead go to the local bars, which are basically the same idea... Nasty, smelly, disgusting, etc..., but located all over town, outside of walking street…
... we’re doing our thing, going in and out of bars, tipping 20 baht notes, throwing down 100 bahts (Benji-bahts, remember?) and getting to know the people. So after blowing between $0.65 and $3.00, we honker down to some Go-Go bar (strip club) and start discussing whom we’re taking home. There are great deals everywhere, but just like in fishing, the fun is wrangling in the big one. Catching it becomes boring. You have to take it home, clean it, cook it, etc. Catch and release is far more enjoyable. So it’s the end of the night and we’re walking home empty-handed. We jump on a bus and one block later, this girl jumps on the bus. We smile as our eyes connect. Without saying a word, she hops off with us and we head into our hotel...
Oh shit, wait! I’m sorry, this happened the previous night when we were staying at that shithole, the Siam Bayview Hotel. This is where they charged us 1,000 baht in CASH! Ok, then let’s skip this part and move back 24 hours... I’m sorry. I forgot about you sick, degenerate people, who are only reading this for the gratuitous sex. This street girl, who was wearing torn jean shorts right up to the crack of her ass and a mediocre rack (2 out of 5), came back to the room (after we laid out the 1,000 baht fee to that shithole, the Siam Bayview Hotel), and without uttering a word, took off her clothes and started blowing my buddy. Now, we could have gone back to HIS room, but for some reason, we’re always going to mine because: a) it’s bigger, and b) it’s neater (he’s kind of a slob).
After a few minutes of what looks to be a poor, pathetic attempt of a blowjob, my buddy calls it quits and heads back to his room. I learned the next day that the actual reason was that after 10 days, he finally was feeling that good ole massive bowel movement coming on and had to take advantage of it (I’m sorry, was that too much information? My bad!)
Ok, so now it’s my turn to take one for the team. I get naked and before I can brush my teeth, she has my hand up her twat where she’s dripping wet. I guess that this was a sign that brushing my teeth wasn’t necessary and I immediately went down on her. After 5 hours of hardcore sex, she was still wet! Then it hit me! She likes me. She really, really likes me! Next thing I know, the sun is rising, we’re taking a shower together, and it’s time for the wagon train to be heading west.
Ok, back to the present. ... so we end up at the Rhino Bar and immediately spot two hot, young girls. We go for it. His is 19, mine has 2 kids, living at home, you know, a grandmother... 22 years old. We pay the bar fee, they get dressed, we head home on the bus. He heads up to his dump, I enter the Palace (my hotel room). After seeing his hotel from the outside, his girl is scared (she doesn’t speak much English), my girl takes one look at my hotel and is ready to move in... Permanently.
Now, even though I wanted her to stay the entire night, it wasn’t going to be possible, since I was playing golf the next morning with my friend who retired here. My girl was a trouper. She immediately sprang into action. Took off her clothes, jumped into the shower and started to lather up. She called me in to join her and then lathered me up, too – all at no extra charge. She dried me off, then herself, and we jumped naked into the bed where she immediately started giving me a massage, rubbing her body against mine, and then took me for a wild ride for the next few hours. I pounded her like a butcher pounding out a steak; brought her to climax at least a dozen times. Her body was like Jell-O. She couldn’t move out of the bed, let alone get me off, so we fell asleep in each other’s arms and when we awoke the next morning, I made her spend an hour working her arms and mouth to finish off what she had started. More cardio than she had done in a long while. Afterwards, we showered together again, went downstairs to have breakfast and parted ways... It was heaven. Just what I needed after having to deal with that shithole, the Siam Bayview Hotel...