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FREEDOM OF SEXUAL CHOICE

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FREEDOM OF SEXUAL CHOICE

By Lainie Speiser

A long time ago I went to Negril, Jamaica with my roommate Helen, and unbeknownst to us as we were boarding the plane, we were going to spend the next four days getting hit on by just about every local man on the island.

It was a real pain in the ass, don’t get me wrong. As attractive ladies in our mid-twenties, we were used to going on vacation and getting hit on by the locals. We went to Puerto Rico, Mexico, and all those popular places where young women go to get loose and get a great tan to boot.

But Jamaica was on a whole other level; we didn’t even feel safe going to the bathroom at a club on our own, and one of us would always follow the other. We told these guys that we were a couple, but for some reason, they didn’t believe us, even though Helen, a gorgeous Korean girl, had a crew cut.  I would be at our beachfront hotel reading a book, and some local would come up to me and say, “Why you come to Jamaica to read a book?” And he worked at the hotel, which made it all the worse. This guy, more than the others, just wouldn’t let up on me. One night he tailed us to an outdoor concert at a neighboring hotel, and he said, “What do you think, we don’t eat pussy? We eat pussy too. What’s wrong you racist? You don’t like black men?” To which I replied, “Oh I like black men fine, but I don’t like you, so fuck off, or I will have to make a complaint to the hotel.” And he finally did, but shot me and Helen dirty looks for the rest of the trip.

When I came back to New York, I told my black friend Patrick (who is now the Ambassador of South Africa) about all of this. He laughed and said, “My two sisters went to Negril together and left after one day— you’re not a racist.”

Why am I telling you this tale? Because for this column I’d like to discuss what I call “Freedom of Sexual Choice,” meaning it’s every human’s right to only have sex with the people they want to have sex with no matter what the race, creed or color, they are. Nobody should be pushed into having sex, let’s say, to prove that they’re not a racist. We like what we like. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to have sex with a person you don’t find attractive. I know I tried in college, but it’s terrible. You can’t talk your penis and vagina into enjoying sex with someone you don’t like; you stay soft, you stay dry and even if you manage to stuff it in, or use some lube, it’s still awful sex. And all sex should be wonderful. I used to say sex is like pizza, even when it’s mediocre it’s pretty, damn good. But I’ve had some horrible frozen pizza, and after two bites I’ve thrown it in the garbage.

Sex is my oasis, my private Idaho, my vacation, my meditation, my greatest pleasure and it’s the only time I can be completely myself. When it comes to sex I don’t have to wait in line, I don’t have to settle, I don’t have to be politically correct, I don’t have to be a lady and I don’t have to explain why I desire what I do. If I prefer outwardly conservative big, white Aryan looking guys, that’s my business and my right. If I only have sex with men who’ve got long hair (yes that was me in another life), it’s my right. If I choose to suddenly only want to eat Chinese (Asian men have the most beautiful smiles I’ve ever seen) then fine, call me a Rice Queen all you want. It’s my right, it’s my own business, and I shouldn’t be criticized for it.

At the date of this writing, beautiful, young porn star August Ames passed away due to suicide. She hung herself on a tree in a local park near where she lived in Los Angeles. Prior to her offing herself, she was engaged in an intense battle on Twitter about refusing to do a scene with what we called a “Crossover Star,” which is a man who did gay porn and crossed over into the heterosexual genre.

A lot of women in the industry do not want to do scenes with them, mostly for worry of contracting a disease. Whether that assumption is right or wrong, there was no reason to call this young woman a homophobe. As she wrote on Twitter, “I don’t have anything to apologize for! Apologizing for taking extra steps to ensure that my body stays safe? Fuck you guys attacking me when none of my intentions were malicious. I fucking love the gay community! What the fuck ever! I CHOOSE who I have inside my body.” But as you know with Twitter, there becomes a mob mentality, and she got it pretty bad from not only the porn fans but also from her fellow performers (names I won’t name, but from a few big performers who do scenes with crossovers, transgenders and everything in between). And some performers while defending her, also told her she should keep her opinions to herself as one wrote, “I agree. I support your rights to choose who you have sex with. 100%. I just think it was offensive to say publicly when half of your peers do not agree.” To which she replied, “I’ll keep my opinion in my head next time and be fake.” When these “Twitter Wars” happen, we text each other and say, “Pass the popcorn,” myself included. August knew that as one of her final words on social media were, “To every bored person on set today: you’re welcome, for the reading material” and then lastly on that day, December 4, she said, “Fuck Y’all.”

When I was in my late twenties, I discovered someone I was seeing was bisexual; he didn’t tell me as he should have, and I got the information from the boyfriend of a friend who worked with him at Greenpeace. I admit it, I totally panicked, my friend Perry had died of meningitis as a result of having AIDS a year prior, and I didn’t use a condom with this guy (you would have thought having a friend who died of AIDS would make you only wear condoms, and I’m not proud of this). When I confronted this guy, by asking him if he knew my friend’s boyfriend, his voice got flat and said, “I worked with a lot of people back then. I don’t remember him. Oh, and by the way, I have to cancel our date tonight, something came up.” For me, this was an omission of guilt because we never went out again. He totally ghosted me and wouldn’t even let me come by to pick up the books he had borrowed. I specifically wanted one rare book I had, “The Book of Torture,” and I’m sure this asshole still has it in his collection.

I got tested by my doctor immediately, and I came up negative, thank god. Now I didn’t think I caught HIV because I slept with someone who had sex with men; I was concerned because the truth is most repressed and/or closeted people don’t use condoms, which would be making the sex they are ashamed of a reality. If we didn’t use condoms, why would he use them with another man? I didn’t hate him for being gay, I hated him for being a liar, for breaking my heart and for putting an innocent person at risk. New York City is a small world and we travelled in similar circles, and to this day, every time our paths have crossed he literally grabs the nearest woman and rams his tongue down her throat (he’s adorable and charming and gets away with this all the time), as if to show me, “Hey I’m no fag!” If he had told me he was bisexual upfront, would I have kept going out with him? Probably not. It’s hard enough to compete with all of the gorgeous women who live here but to double that with men, who needs it? That’s my opinion, and it’s my right to feel that way. It doesn’t mean I’m a homophobe. I’m actually known as the “Fag Hag,” a term I’ve never liked, about town. My two dearest friends are both gay. One I’ve known since college and one I’ve known since high school, whom I call my “Gay Husband,” and who asked me if I would do the honor and perform his marriage ceremony which I did and nearly cried while I had them exchange their vows. But me just having to defend myself like that— it should be unnecessary.

Maybe August should have kept her opinions to herself. Sure it would have saved her a lot of time, energy, and heartache, but I understand where her anger came from. It wasn’t because she was matched up with a crossover star, it was because the company, her agent, nobody told her this beforehand and she felt she had the right to know. I get that, and I always try to give my clients as much information about any show or event I book them on before call time, because I know the clients do not like any surprises. Porn stars like to prepare more than any other mainstream performer I have ever met because when they walk into any situation, they know they are already being judged for what they do, and if they can prevent a bad situation, they always will. Her tweet that started the escalation was this, “whichever (lady) performer is replacing me tomorrow for @EroticaXNews, you’re shooting with a guy who has shot gay porn, just to let cha know.  BS is all I can say. Do agents really not care about who they’re representing? #ladirect I do my homework for my body.”

There are women in the industry who won’t do IR aka interracial, and they get flak for that as well, being called racists and such. I will let you in on a little secret: 95% of those women who do not do interracial have black boyfriends who don’t want them to. A lot of black men are very cool about having a girlfriend or wife that does porn; they don’t feel sexually threatened by it until their white girlfriend thinks about having sex with a black man. You can come to your own conclusions on that one. One of the things I’ve always loved about the adult industry is that you only have sex with the people you want to have sex with. They preach it’s your body, it’s in your control, but sadly that’s not always the case. One day my former client, the Duke University porn star Belle Knox, called me to tell me that her agent matched her up with an older man, even though she specifically told him that on her “No List” (all performers male, female, gay, straight, transgender, gender queer and intersex have them) was men over 30. She was 18 at the time and was creeped out at the notion of having to have sex with a man old enough to be her father. “What do I do?” she asked me. I told her to call her agent right now. Her agent, by the way, had told her the man she would do a scene with was “around 30,” when he was in actuality, 45, a huge difference indeed.

I told her not to do anything she didn’t want to do, and her agent gave her some lame excuse. Well Belle, who was always a people pleaser and hated the thought of anyone being angry with her, decided to go ahead and do the scene anyway, knowing it would be an inconvenience to the entire production, not to mention would cost the studio money.

But when there was a whole jealousy backlash on Belle amongst the performers, this older gentleman, cited this episode in an article and said she looked at him like he was a monster. Now I wasn’t there, but I do know what it’s like to have sex with people you don’t want to have sex with, so I’m sure she wasn’t smiling or licking her lips in anticipation of sucking his dick. While this didn’t put Belle over the edge the way it put August, I do believe it’s one of the many reasons why she retired from the business a year later.

Once I put one of two favorite clients, Mia Isabella, a world-famous transgender performer, and Nikki Delano, a very popular Latina performer, on the same SiriusXM show together, and they hit it off so much that they are still friends to this day. The day after they did the show together, a male performer known to work with a lot of transgender women, sent Mia a direct message that said something a long the lines of, “Nikki’s not your friend. She refuses to do scenes with TS performers and men who have sex with TS performers.” I’m proud to say Mia basically told this pot-stirrer to fuck off, mind his own business and she didn’t care who Nikki did or did not do scenes with; it’s her business and her right to choose. “I don’t want to have sex with anyone who isn’t into me. Why would I when there are so many people out there who would love to?” Mia has told me in the past. Mia who has had sex with women on film once or twice, but honestly isn’t into women and because of that hasn’t done it for a long time. Does this mean she should be called a misogynist? I don’t think so, and thus far thank goodness it hasn’t come up.

Attraction is always a fascinating thing. Sometimes what didn’t ring our bells 10 years all of the sudden becomes our object of desire. If you are in touch with yourself and with your sexuality, you will see it keeps evolving and changing. I find that very exciting. And when I’ve been told on more than one occasion, “I usually don’t go for redheads but there’s something about you I just couldn’t resist,” or “Normally I’m not into curvy girls, but on you I find it so hot, you wear it well,” I don’t get insulted, I pat myself on the back. When you’re sexy, and you know it, it can break barriers. Hell, it can change the world. Let’s do more of that, shall we? Peace out.

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