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PORN STAR, MAY I? - Miss Lainie manners crash course in treating porn stars.

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PORN STAR, MAY I? - Miss Lainie manners crash course in treating porn stars.

By Lainie Speiser

I got into a big fight with an old pal from the industry on Facebook yesterday in reaction to my posting Rolling Stone Magazine’s profile on Ron Jeremy and the sexual harassment allegations. I knew this Facebook friend from my last year at Montcalm Publishing where I promoted their titles Gallery, Fox and Lollypops. He was a young, graphics web guy and I used to pop in his office to shoot the shit as I generally did to most employees on a daily basis, and we stayed in touch after I was gone. At one point he moved nearby me, living with a fellow NYC publicist and sometimes he’d sneak off to have a joint and a chat with me.

He lives in the south now, and he’s still in the industry working on websites as he always has. We haven’t spoken often, and rarely on Facebook at all until I posted an article that had a story I fed to Rolling Stone about Kendra Sunderland meeting Ron Jeremy. I introduced Kendra to Ron, then he immediately took out her boob and started licking her nipple. Although I have worked with Ron quite a few times in my 25 year history in the industry, this was the first time I was genuinely disgusted by him, and not in a, “Oh isn’t that ole Ron Jeremy gross but we love him just the way he is,” way. The guilt that has stayed with me since it happened at the Exxxotica Expo in Dallas the early Summer of 2015.  When it happened Kendra and I were shocked and didn’t move until I awkwardly said, “Welcome to the adult industry, Ron Jeremy leched on you!” He laughed, and Kendra and I giggled nervously and left. On our way to our rooms, I stopped her and said I was very sorry and I hoped she didn’t think less of me as a result of this crass experience that I should have done something about. I should have shoved him and said, “What the fuck, man? Not only is she a total stranger, but she’s young enough to be your granddaughter, you pig!” But I didn’t. I was stunned and stood there, which is very unlike me who is known for being verbally impulsive and probably too loud most of the time.

So, when Exxxotica banned Ron Jeremy from participating at their expo, I felt guilty all over again and publicly mentioned what happened those years ago. Kendra backed me, which I appreciated, and then she went on to speak with a writer from Rolling Stone Magazine about it, to which I posted on social media. My old comrade in porno arms, let’s call him Pee Wee (he was quite young when we met), reacted with this comment:

“Kendra, the girl arrested for making porn in a public library? Tsk tsk, 19 and didn’t know anything huh? She certainly knew enough to do that and then capitalize on it to get famous,” Pee Wee wrote. “Well anyways, gropage is kind of like a hazard of the job. If you’re going to play football, you might take a dirty hit. And if you’re going to be a porn star someone might well take a dirty hit lol uhh. I mean someone may touch your boob when you are not in full porn mode. As someone who has been in the industry as long as you have been, I would assume that you know that at porn shows porn stars male and female and often fans sometimes get very touchy with each other. It’s kind of what the shows exist for. Not saying it’s right, but let’s not live in a fantasy land. I ask you... do we really want to live in a world where Ron Jeremy can’t pull out a porn stars boob at a PORN show? Akin to my finding it comical strippers complaining about getting groped by guys at the strip clubs. Well if you don’t want to get groped by guys then don’t go to a job where your job is getting groped by guys.”

I couldn’t believe it. Pee Wee, who was a sweet, attractive young man, grew into a bitter misogynist, another woman hater who can’t stand how women in this industry are on top. Perhaps his life is not going very well. He asked me recently for help getting one of my girls to barker for his website at the last Exxxotica Expo in New Jersey, which I was happy to do until I found out he didn’t have a booth! I find that weird and ghetto, quite frankly. Pee Wee didn’t end up coming to the Expo at all. Maybe the success of others has been getting to him. I always try to find answers to people’s negative behavior, much to the annoyance of friends and family who have to listen to me go on and on about it. But who knows? The truth is many civilian men would agree with Pee Wee. Hey, you’re a porn star, and you were at a porn convention wearing a tiny bikini, and the world-famous Ron Jeremy licked your nipple. Big deal. Isn’t that another day in the office for you? You’ve chosen to make a living in the sex industry for god’s sakes!

But no, no, this is not acceptable behavior in the adult industry. You do not sexually touch anybody without consent, even if you’re going to do a hardcore sex scene with them in an hour. The law begins where good manners end, as I learned in a wonderful class I took in college called, “Journalism and Ethics.” Once you cross the line, you’ve committed sexual assault. Period. We in the industry are almost always on our best behavior with each other. We say, please and thank you and may I, and if we accidentally fuck up, we humble ourselves and say, I’m sorry. I’ve always been proud to be in this business because any sexual harassment most of us have ever received was at our jobs before we took the porno plunge. The worst job I ever had was in a fancy-schmancy Manhattan shoe store, “Churches of England Shoes.” I had that job when I was 19 and every single day of my time there I was assaulted with comments like, “Hey Lainie I like your sweater and the way you fill it,” by men who were old enough to be my father, and in one case, my grandfather. We were selling ridiculously expensive footwear with clientele like The Rockefeller’s, but I may as well have been working a street corner nearby the Lincoln Tunnel with a pimp named Chance.

When the news just broke about Exxxotica not welcoming Ron Jeremy to their lifestyle convention anymore, I ended up talking about it on the popular SiriusXM show, “The Jim Norton and Sam Roberts Show” and you can check that out on YouTube. Both hosts who have always been respectful of all of my adult industry clients who got it: Just because you work in the adult industry does not give anyone the right to sexually harass you.

I’ve even gotten annoyed with random people on social media who say things like, “Nobody can take a cock in the mouth like Vicki Chase. The way she drools on it makes my cock so hard I explode.” To which I always retort with the oldie but goodie, “Yo Mama,” such as, “I know your mother taught her everything she knows.” That always gets the reply, “What do you mean? I wasn’t saying anything mean, I was complimenting her.” And I continue with, “I was complimenting your mother as well. She really knows how to suck a dick. It’s quite amazing, your mother’s dick sucking skills.”

So how should you compliment a porn star? What’s the right way? You can say, “I really enjoy your work, you’re the best at what you do,” or “I have been following your work for a long time, I’m your biggest fan and I think you’re beautiful and have mad skills.” What I’m saying is we don’t need to hear how you enjoy a performer’s work and what you do to yourself while you enjoy it. We get it, you like porn, you like this porn star, and we assume you’re jerking off while you watch the movies. That goes without saying. Most of the people who make these graphic comments are getting off on saying this, and are probably polishing the pole in between typing. Which is your own business, I’m not the jerk-off police, but I don’t need to hear about it, at least not for free.

My friend and former client Lisa Ann talks about how fans have approached her when she’s with her family or friends in public with disgusting comments like, “Yo Lisa Ann, you’re the black man gang bang queen! I love how you take all of that black dick in your ass!” With absolutely no regard to Lisa or how she feels, or how her civilian friends and family may take that. It’s no secret to anyone that she’s the number one porn star in the world, but can’t you just say, “Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m a big fan of your work, thank you for everything.” And that’s it! It makes her happy, it makes you happy, and she may just offer to pose for a photo with you because you’re such a polite person. Good manners get good rewards.

I went to my first Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas when I was in my twenties which was quite a long time ago, and it was wild. There was a full bar in the convention floor, many of the entertainers were half in the bag, some were nude, some were letting fans lick their nipples for a fee and others even sat on the faces of fans. I remember taking a break to eat a sandwich, and went behind the curtains that at the time was our “backstage.” Two bites in, I turned my head and saw two performers. The male performer was getting head from the female performer, and when the guy noticed me watching he gave me a wink and a smile. And although all of these things were very salacious, not one of these things I witnessed happened without consent. As time went by, the conventions became a lot more conservative. No bar for starters, and they have security checking everyone’s bag in case you thought bringing a bottle of vodka was a good idea. The women are no longer allowed to be nude, pasties on the boobies and g-strings are as bare as you can go. That doesn’t mean people don’t need to learn some manners.

If you’re going to a porn convention like Exxxotica or the Adult Entertainment Expo, do not expect to get your grope on. Do you go to Comic-Con with the idea of grabbing the tush of Wonder Woman’s Gal Gadot? Sure, you’d love to, but would you think this was even an option? Unless you’re a moron, no, of course not. Same rules apply to adult stars. When posing for your photos, do not touch your performer, she may put her arm around you, which is great, but please do not rest your hand on her ass and let your fingers do the walking. Also, don’t make ridiculous requests like, “May I have a lock of your hair?” or “If I give you an extra 20 bucks can you take off your top in the photo? The performer next to you is doing it.” Yes, some performers will do certain things with fans for money, and that’s their business, but do not assume what’s cool for one performer is just as cool with another. And most performers have everything listed in their booth for sale, including the kinds of photos you can take with them. Another porn star shouldn’t feel like a disappointment because there are boundaries that she personally doesn’t want to cross.

Another thing that irks me working these conventions is when a performer has movies, magazines and color photos on sale, and a fan will hold up one of these items and say, “Is this you? It doesn’t look like you.” I wonder if these people are just dumb or are trying to hurt the performer’s feelings because they can’t fuck them. But I will tell you this; it does hurt the performer’s feelings. These men and women plan for months on what they are going to wear, they hire hair and make-up artists, and they really want to make you the fan, happy to meet them. Why would you go to a convention to be mean and insulting? There is a fine line between love and hate with fans. These performers are their fantasy girlfriends and lovers, and I wonder if meeting them in person bursts that bubble and anger comes out. For the most part, fans are incredible, but they should keep this in mind: You will never meet any other group of people who work so hard to please their fans in the entertainment world as porn stars do. The performers rely on their fans to keep their brand alive, and they want them to be thrilled to be seen in person.

And lastly, there’s hygiene. I know the convention floor can get hot and sweaty, we don’t blame you for your glisten, but can you wear deodorant? There’s no reason for smelling funky, and more than a handful of you dear fans do. So, use some deodorant before hitting the convention. I mean one that is a deodorant and antiperspirant, I personally like Gillette Clear, it does the job and doesn’t stain your clothes! And speaking of clothes, although you’re not going to a hot date, wouldn’t you want to look your best when meeting your favorite adult entertainer? I’m not saying you should wear a tuxedo, but some of you look like you pulled out clothes from the hamper and slapped them on, and a few of you seem to have forgotten to zip your fly after you use the bathroom. We don’t want to be a stereotype, and we certainly don’t want the fans of porn to be one either. I love it when I meet a well-groomed and well-dressed die-hard fan, you made an effort not only to come and meet your favorite porn star, but you went through the bother of looking nice for him or her. It just makes the whole experience extra nice for both parties. Porn fans ARE awesome, and they should look that way, too.

I remember the last time I worked with Ron Jeremy. He was performing standup comedy for my client Alia Janine’s showcase, “Hardcore Comedy” in Las Vegas during the Adult Entertainment Expo in January of 2016. I was working the door and in charge of payment to some of the comedians. I paid in cash and I accidentally overpaid Ron by 50 bucks, and when he noticed after counting it in a private area, he came back to me, handed it back and said, “You tell everyone Ron Jeremy is an honest man and returned the extra money.” I laughed and promised I would, which I did. I wanted to forgive him for being a sleazy idiot to Kendra. I took into account that back in the day, we all knew each other.  It was a small pond, the porn world, and it wasn’t unusual to have a performer jump you from behind to say hello. Perhaps Ron, like many men who are aging sex icons from all entertainment industries, subconsciously thinks that it’s still 1980 and he’s not a smelly, old man in yoga pants, but a young stud in designer jeans who graced the pages of Playgirl Magazine. But still, Kendra didn’t know him, and he didn’t know her, and it’s hard to explain that away no matter how you slice it. Times have changed; they have to. It’s called progress. And saying, “Oh that’s just Ron,” is no longer an acceptable answer. And now that I have read much more serious allegations against Ron, I felt even worse.  Because I liked the guy, and most of the world likes him. He’s the most mainstream name in adult entertainment. I’ve had dinner with him at posh restaurants where upscale women have jumped on his lap for a photo.

But know this: if Ron Jeremy never makes a penny from being who he is again, there’s no reason to worry or feel bad. He’s socked every penny away like the famous miser he is; he’s never had children, gotten married or taken care of anyone financially to my knowledge. He’s in his 60s; he has enough to last the rest of his life nicely. He will be fine. But his victims, I don’t know. I hope they will be fine and I applaud them for being so brave and coming forward.

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