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BEATING AROUND THE BUSH

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BEATING AROUND THE BUSH

By Lainie Speiser

I love this magazine, STRIPLV, for many reasons other than they allow me to expound on my filthy, little life. I love the photography, the women, the articles that I didn’t write and the general sophisticated vibe of the magazine, and as I write this Hugh Hefner just passed away, and I was thinking, “Did he see STRIPLV”? There’s a good chance that he did, and I’m sure he loved it. Then I started thinking about the legendary “Pubic Wars” where Hugh Hefner and Bob Guccione were competing about who showed the most vag in the 70s. They called it “Pubic Wars,” because— my younger readers— every woman back then had pubic hair, and a lot of it.

The idea of shaving was just for perverts who wanted their grown women to look like little girls, and even then, not many people did it, or I don’t think they did as I was a little kid myself. Anyway, Guccione won the Pubic Wars, and to this day the Playboy Bunnies not only are closed legged but their pussies don’t look that much different than Barbie’s as they are airbrushed to the next century. And that is what is leading me to tell you that STRIPLV Magazine is a great magazine because the women, as stunning and as glamorous as they are, look like women in the sense that they have pubic hair, not a wild rainforest of it, but enough that you can grab onto it. I was struck by a photo a few issues back. And although I’m no sister of Sappho I admit I was titillated enough to stop shaving so much down there and let the evidence show that indeed, I am a natural redhead.

Before I got into the adult industry I didn’t do more than trim. I don’t really need to (as big a head of hair as I have the pubes are not as impressive) and while most people have dark hair down there, mine is actually lighter, almost a strawberry blonde. When I started working for Gallery Magazine I saw what is called a “runway” bush, which is you have a little strip of hair in the front and then the rest is shaved clean. That’s how the New York City, strip club, Runway 69, got its name. The strippers, cheating a little to get more tips, would quickly move their g-string to the side and reveal some pink. In order to do this, they needed to shave down into a runway, if you will. Also, pubes sticking out of your teeny bikini bottom, not so nice looking. So I started to do the same thing, and I thought it looked nice and clean and my boyfriend at the time just loved it and called it my Little Flame.

As time went on you started seeing less and less pubic hair on centerfolds, strippers and porn stars. You never saw any hair in the undercarriage and there was a smidge on the top. In porn star Sunny Leone’s case, I called it “The Hitler,” because her tiny bit of dark hair resembled the dictator’s moustache to me. Victoria Zdrok, Playboy Playmate and Penthouse Pet of the Year shaved her pubes into a Z. It looked like a lot of work to me, but it was very cute in photographs. I discovered in my personal life if I had a partner who was on the smaller side he would complain that I made his dick sore. I was puzzled because I was certainly wet enough and like to think of myself as tight, but not that tight. No, it was my pubic hair. When you’re with someone who’s small they feel every bit of that hair as they go in and out and it caused an abrasion. I was self-conscious about it and shaved more of the kitty, and another lover, one who was quite large got a pleasant surprise when he put his hand down my pants. “Ummm…Lainie did you get balder? You feel balder.” I squeezed my legs together trapping his hand and said, “You like?” He liked a lot.

I eventually went totally bald, not unlike the porn stars and centerfolds. It’s not that they made me feel embarrassed about pubic hair, it’s just that it began to look totally normal to me. When you look at naked women all day, at least five days a week, some of what you see can’t help but rub off on you. But I didn’t plan it per se. I was taking a shower and in deep thought, when I noticed I had shaved almost all of it off, so what the hell, I finished the job. For the first time in my whole life I was completely bald, smooth and I loved it.

What struck me right away is how very conscious I was of my vagina, like it was more alive than ever before. And something about that feeling gave me a lot of confidence and I got ballsier about asking for head. I love getting head like most people do, but unless my partner went there on his own I never asked for it. With a clean, bald puss, I practically shoved their heads down, and the response was good. Men like it when a woman tells them exactly what they want. And I noticed I also got more head without asking too. I remember one really hot guy pulling my jeans and panties down and looked so overjoyed at the sight, “Oh I just KNEW you were bald, you bad girl. You’re a bad girl with a pretty little pussy.” Yes, it was very good.

Going bald is actually for lazy people, truly. It’s so much easier to just shave everything down than manicure the bush. That takes some skill and precision and you can’t do it in a rush or you’d going to have a lopsided, weird looking bush. I treated it as if I was a bald basketball player, I used shaving cream and everything and kept it smooth. Then one day visiting my parents for the weekend, my mom came into the bathroom to talk to me while I was taking a shower. We are Europeans and it’s not weird to do this, by the way. When I was done and opened the shower curtain my Mom stared at my crotch then broke out into laughter. “What did you do? Why? You look ridiculous!” It was the hardest I had heard her laugh in years. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me. “Yeah well guys like it,” I said defensively. That only made her laugh more. “What kind of a man would like this? Don’t you know men love hair down there? The more hair the better!” I told her maybe in Morocco where she’s from but not in America. When my sister saw it another time, she said it was creepy and that I had the vagina of a Barbie Doll. She herself has always had a lovely thatch of dark, glossy hair there, and I think on brunettes the bush looks best. I think Asian women have gorgeous thick bushes that look so pretty against their porcelain skin. I just didn’t think it was the look for me because if I can brag for a moment, I do have a pretty pussy and it is Barbie Doll-like in the sense that the “shutter doors” are closed. Why hide that under some course fire crotch?

Why? Because some men really, really love a big bush. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the bush is back big time. Porn stars like Kendra Sunderland and Dani Daniels are known for their lustrous pubes, and their fans dig it big time. More and more nude models are being asked to stop shaving for photo shoots too. And I started getting the same requests from some suitors as well. There was one man, he looked like a handsome newscaster and he loved my “bushy hair,” as he called it and couldn’t wait to see my other bush. I swear his face looked like a disappointed kid who was told that trip to Disneyland was canceled. “Ah man, that’s a shame,” he said, and then asked me if I would consider growing it out. And I don’t mean a little, I mean he wanted the whole retro-bush experience. “I just find it so sexy and so womanly, and you’re so feminine I think this would place you as a perfect 10,” he said. I’ve never been called a perfect 10 so he sold me and I sold out.

The women who are bald and reading this might be clutching their smooth crotches with fear from reading this. And yes, I was scared too. I hadn’t seen my pubes in well over ten years, I had no idea what this was going to look like, but I knew right away what it would feel like: Itchy, itchy and more itchy! I would wake up in the middle of the night scratching myself, it was that bad. But my handsome newscaster man was very encouraging. “This is only temporary, in a week it will pass.” And weekly he would go straight to my panties to check on “Little Red’s” progress. This guy was a stickler. He didn’t even want me to shave my bikini area. Having seen an episode of Sex and the City where Samantha Jones grows out her hair for her boyfriend only to be horrified by a gray hair, I knew that was a realistic fear. But to my delight not only did I see no gray hair but noticed my hair was actually a nice, natural red, if only my head hair faired so well I wouldn’t have to color it.

The bush lasted as long the relationship did, about three months, my usual at the time. I made a booty call, as was my usual practice at the time and when he pulled down my panties and saw the forest primeval I had going on, his face looked sad and a little scared. “Huh, this is new,” he said. I explained why I was like this and he said, “That settles it then, let’s get you shaved! You need to move on from this breakup!” But who was he kidding, he didn’t give a shit about my moving on, he just wanted to get the Barbie Doll pussy he so enjoyed. I let him shave me, it was a hot experience that we both enjoyed. And I stayed this way for a few more years until I met my husband who the morning after our first sleepover said, “Could you do me a favor and grow some hair down there, it made me a little uncomfortable.” I found this cheeky— we just had sex for the first time and he was already making demands? He had quite the Burt Reynolds bush going on for such an otherwise hairless man. “I’ll grow if you trim,” I bargained. He shook his head and said not going to happen, “That’s gay,” he said. While I don’t think it’s gay to manscape at all, I do recall one man who was completely shaved and he must have done it right before he came over because there was some rashy irritation going on. It was a turn off to say the least. “Look I’m not asking for a big bush, I’m just asking for a little hair. You’re a woman, not a little girl,” my husband to be said. So back I am to the flame. I went totally full circle with my genital grooming. In fact, I’d say my crotch has gone through more different styles than the hair on my head has.

While I don’t think a bald pussy makes a woman look like a little girl, I do think it’s good to change things up. If getting a haircut or a new color makes you feel good, why not give your pubic hair the same kind of treatment? It grows back much faster than your head hair and it can spice things up in the bedroom, in the way when you changed the color or style of your hair it makes your man excited because he feels like he’s with another lady, but he’s not and it’s not cheating. Making your vagina fresh and new should do the same thing. I say change it up, grow it out, look through STRIPLV pages and get inspired, choose a style, watch it grow, keep a pubic diary with selfies on your day to day progress, and if you’re feeling really raunchy post them on Twitter or Snapchat.

While the public wars will continue to go on and on, there will always be opposing views, but remember it’s only hair. Just be careful when you’re dying or bleaching down there, Marilyn Monroe always did and she spent many an evening alone with an ice pack pressed against her billion dollar bush.

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