Chapter 1

I knew that there was no way that I would travel over 8,000 miles from Las Vegas to Bangkok in coach, so I cashed in my miles and bought a first-class ticket since I didn’t pack any Xanax, Ambien, Valium or other sleeping pills for the trip.  Besides, Sing, Wonder
, and My Cousin Rachel were all playing on the in-flight movies that month, so it was a good enough reason to stay awake.

Arriving close to midnight (our flight was wonderfully late, more champagne for me), I met up with my buddy from New Orleans, and we took a limo to my hotel. We arrived around 12:30 a.m. at the hotel, and what can I say? For a hotel that I booked online for $67 a night, wow! I got a full apartment suite! Complete with kitchen, full bathroom, tub, shower, dining room, office, the works. It overlooks a courtyard (you’d think you were in Hawaii, book ‘em, Dano).  Gym, steam, sauna, pool, whirlpool, I was totally blown away. I looked at major hotel chains (5 stars), and none of them were as nice as this. Right off Sukhumvit Road and Soi 10 is where the main action is. My buddy was one block over from me on Soi 8. He got his hotel for $28 a night. A real shithole! His room (the A/C was broken) was as big as my bathroom. For all of you travelers out there, when heading to Bangkok, don’t go cheap! If all you can afford is a $28 room, don’t bother going! BTW, my buddy isn’t poor, just cheap! By the way, did I mention that I get a free buffet breakfast included in my $67? It rivals most Vegas hotel buffets!

Of course, what trip to Thailand would be complete without a trip to the red light district? And everyone knows that with a 30-to-1 Thai baht to U.S. dollar ratio, you can live large at the bars (hint-hint)! Okay, so a night at a Vegas strip club is as follows (the following is tourist pricing). Cab: $30, entry into club: $30, 2 drinks: $30 + $10 tip, 3 table dances: $100. One hour later, you leave with $200 less in your pocket, replaced with blue balls. Or, if you go big-time, $500 for a bottle, lots of dances (up the ante of $100 to $500) and you’re living large in Vegas. So let’s see, our new total is $1,100, and you’re still leaving with blue balls! But hey, we’re a big-shot, right?

So that night our plan was to visit Nana Plaza. I’ll let you Google why the name is Nana. It’s a rectangular three-story shit hole that contains about 20 red-light bars. SPOILER ALERT: Unless you are into plain-looking, short, flat-chested brunette Asian women, don’t bother visiting. All the girls look the same, with a few exceptions. If you’re looking for hot Vegas-style women, tits and ass, then head to the far corner of the second floor. All the transvestites are the hottest women (the correct term is “ladyboy”), so if you don’t know any better, you’ll end up like Stu in Hangover II. But hey, I’m from Vegas! I know the difference, right?

We made it to our third bar. It’s twice as large as the last two, but the difference is there were 10 times the number of girls on stage— which is pretty impressive, considering the other bars were packed to capacity with girls on stage. Apparently, they don’t believe in lap dances. It’s almost like Lake Mead. When you head out on the docks, the fish are trampling over each other to get some popcorn from the tourists passing by. Same thing here, except the women are on stage above you with numbers so that you can pick them out like rubber ducks.

Of course, we were living large. We were buying drinks, throwing down cash, tipping everyone, giving girls tips while they’re onstage (unheard of), spending thousands and thousands of bahts. I calculated that we blew through 3,000 baht in this one bar! I was freaking out until I pulled out my iPhone and ran the number through my currency calculator (they have an app for that!) and realized that we only spent about $50 each! Fuck me! Is this great or what? So thenit was time to blow some real hard cash and pull some girls legally out of the club. I was trying to figure out how the clubs made any money just selling drinks. In Vegas, the girls are the hook to get guys to buy drinks. In Thailand, it’s the opposite. It’s the clubs that exist, to get the guys to buy the girls. They make more money that way. Each girl costs 600 baht, a fee that you pay the club (costs to the girls for services rendered are extra, we’ll discuss that later). My buddy pulled a tiny 35-year-old experienced girl out of one club. It costs him 500 baht (he got a discount for a slightly used model). I found one girl who was pretty hot, but when I realized that my cost in USD was only $20, I decided that it was my job to support industry (hey, I’m from Vegas, we support industry), so I pulled out another two smokin’ hot girls (definitely models) tall, slender, natural large tits and ass, 25 and 27. Remember, I spoke earlier about exceptions? Well, these were three exceptions, and we all headed back to my suite (I wouldn’t be caught dead in his shit hole and besides, we wouldn’t all fit)!

Then one of my girls tells me that she’s hungry (of course, we only passed 50 restaurants on the way to my hotel), and another girl tells me that she’s shy and 

see anything wrong with this picture? In Vegas, this is definitely getting played, but, this is Thailand, where honor in the service industry means something.

While we’re working out the details, my buddy had already been going at it for the last 20 minutes, hardcore! So I gave each girl 300 baht for food and a cab and sent them on their way. Then the shy one started working on me. This girl was even more beautiful than she was on stage. It started off with a full body oil massage and then, don’t ask. It looked like the Las Vegas Fire department had put out a fire in my room. Foam, water, soaked everywhere. My buddy had his hanging upside down from the rafters. It was, by far, the best cardio exercise that I’ve had in a while. It was so good that I forgot to take my Viagra and Cialis cocktail! And as soon as the referee rang the bell, sounding the end of the match, my other two companions returned from their feast ready for their bout.

So four to five hours later and it was time for them to say goodbye.  Even though I wanted them to stay, it wasn’t going to happen. The hotel would need to call in a hazmat team to clean up the suite. No nook was left untouched by the six of us. It was a glorious first night.  

Chapter 2

My goal was to lose 20 pounds while I was in Bangkok. I didn’t think that it would be too difficult since I was down to one meal a day, breakfast. My schedule is pretty simple: eat breakfast, work out at gym, take a nap poolside, shower, shave, head out to the red light district, pick up a girl, take her back to the room, spend two hours of cardio exercise with her, receive massage, sleep, and repeat, starting with breakfast.

It’s day number two and we’re headed out to Soi Cowboy (again, you can Google the name and understand its origins). Now, this place was totally different than Nana Plaza, where Nana Plaza looks like a scene out of West Side Story (you know the beginning where the Jets and Sharks rumble), this place looks like a shrunken down Fremont Street in Las Vegas, with neon lights and light bulb lit clubs on each side, complete with 100% authentic Vegas style food vendors, riffraff bums, and tourists. Girls are dressed in outfits (cowgirls, school girls, yellow taxi driver right out of Michael Jackson’s The WIZ, etc.) beckoning you to enter their establishment.

They even have Vegas names. Cowboy, Sahara, Susie Wong, Limelight, and a host of others I can’t remember. Every club looks like Sassy Sally’s on Fremont or a replica of a Las Vegas Hotel: small, made larger by mirrors, stages that are four feet off the ground, 100 girls on every stage in matching outfits, tiny little booths, bench seats, and a host of older women pushing drinks at 150 baht! (Remember, that’s only $5, but it’s the principle of the thing, dammit!) By this point, we’re experts on these types of clubs. We had one simple rule. Make that two simple rules. If a club had less than 200 girls on stage, or simply put, if there was enough space between them where you could see light, then the club was considered dead and we wouldn’t stay for a drink. Oh yeah, I forgot rule two. Stay out of Ladyboy clubs or any clubs where super hot tall Asian women were hanging around outside,  especially if the super hot girls had husky voices. A big no-no!

We decided to leave no stone unturned, so we went into every club (utilizing the two rule exception) and checked out what each one had to offer. These clubs are similar, but actually quite different. Some are two-story (don’t even talk about the stairs, any U.S. State Fire Marshall would shut them down in a minute) with see-through plastic floors, some are dimly lit, some are bright, some play house music, some retro, some country western, some cool Vegas club music.

I have no idea how we found this place, but the long and narrow stage (three feet wide) had 100 naked girls on it when we walked in, and as soon as we sat down, they disappeared. Then five girls took the stage, in matching costumes, and performed an act where they took yellow golf balls (I know that these were definitely not Ping Pong balls) holding their legs together, pushed them in between and dropped them into a cup. No, wait! I’m wrong! The first act was the girls who took cigarettes and smoked them through their lips (the other ones, not the ones on their face – now I know why some girls smell like stale cigarettes down there), next was the golf balls. But save the best for last! The new batch brought out unopened beer bottles. Needless to say, they did things to these beer bottles that I wouldn’t do to farm animals. The act ended with a gushing climax of beer all over the place. By the way, did I mention not to get too overdressed for these clubs? Shorts, a ripped T-shirt and sandals are top-notch attire.

One of the first clubs that we entered had the prettiest women. I met this one girl, 32 years old (a great-grandmother by Thai standards) who had the most beautiful face I ever saw. Couldn’t speak a word of English, but that face. I decided that no matter what, she had to be mine by the end of the night. Speaking about Asian 

women, I have a friend back home who loves Asian women. I could never really get into them, but as they say, “when in Rome.”  I now understand the fascination for Asian women.

It gets pretty exhausting traveling from club to club to club. The 10 steps in between each one was just too exhausting, so it was time to grab a girl, grab a cab, take her back home, have sex and call it a night! Of course, we forgot what club my 32-year-old worked, so we put on our Sherlock Holmes face and went on a trek to find the Holy Grail. Or was that put on our Indiana Jones hat in search of the Holy Grail? Not important, you get the drift. I found her; her name was May (yes I know, she probably made it up, but it was a better than October), we fell in love instantly. We locked lover’s eyes. I’m very particular in my choice of women. It has to be the right body, right height, right breasts, right ass, right lips, right smile, right face. My buddy picked up some young hot chick in about 10 seconds (he’s into quantity), not a bad choice considering the time he spent looking.

May told her sister (the older ugly waitress, did I forget to mention her?) that she would not be gone long and that we were going to a shithole hotel (probably owned by a friend, similar to my buddy’s place, only worse) at the end of the street for a quickie (this was all in Thai and we don’t speak Thai). When we got into a taxi, she was quite upset, but it was either: put out at The Palace (my hotel), or get out! Of course, at this exact moment in time, my baby from the previous night calls me on the phone begging me to come and get her from work (which consists of swaying side to side with 100 other girls on a stage. Who would blame her?) I think that May got a little jealous when I said the word “Baby,” and reluctantly got into the cab. May was not into group sex (like the group from the previous night) so it just became a very private close encounter of the third kind. 

However, there was a huge obstacle that occurred. Let me explain this from their point of view. Asian women love Asian men because of their small size. They slide in easy, come quick, and 10 minutes later, the girls can leave. A quick DISCLAIMER: this is not to say that all Asian men are small. Some of my best friends are Asian porn stars, and they can go toe to toe with the best of them. However, the small size was not the case with my buddy and me. To them, we were like Godzilla, a monster that they could only tame with their golden throats (am I mixing this up with King Kong? I could never get the two of them straight). For if Godzilla entered the cave, well, you saw the movie didn’t you? For all of you that didn’t, Godzilla enters New York City and destroys all the skyscrapers. Did anyone ever ask the skyscrapers if that hurt? 

Poor thing was in so much pain, she could barely speak, let alone walk. You do understand the analogy, don’t you? I felt terrible because I caused the destruction of New York City, and I still had an arsenal of weapons that I had yet to fire! So being the person that I am, I carried her limp body to the lobby, waited for the taxi to arrive, brought her all the way back to the club, hopped into another cab and headed back to Nana Plaza. What? You actually think that I’d head back to my hotel room? I’ve got weapons loaded and there are more monsters out there! It’s closing time at most bars when I get hit by a mob leaving the area (just like trying to walk in the wrong direction when the stadium lets out). I search frantically for my loved one (last night’s conquest) but all I see far and wide are ladyboys. So, I have to make a quick decision. Eat some shit food on the street while looking for my baby, or grab a taxi and head back to the hotel. If you remember, I am trying to lose 20 pounds, so the decision was easy.

It’s 4 a.m., I’m asleep having a wonderful dream (as I could tell by the pup tent in my sheets) when my phone rings. It’s my baby. She’s back at her apartment and asked what happened to me. I explained that I was there, but couldn’t find her in the crowd. Our cell phones don’t work one block off the main road. (Hey, it’s Thailand.) We setup a date for the next evening, very early, and if all goes well, it will be a battle between Mothra and Godzilla that will soon to be remembered. Of course, she doesn’t speak very good English, and I speak no Thai, so we could have been talking about the upcoming election or erection or whatever.

Chapter 3

I forgot where I was; it must have been the sleep deprivation. Oh yeah, I think I remember.  Well, it’s another night and we decided to switch off of our alternating between Nana Plaza and Soi Cowboy, so we just said, “Fuck it,” and headed off to Nana Plaza, since it was closer and the road heads off in that direction (if we were in the U.S., following the same course of action, we’d be heading to Soi Cowboy. But in Thailand, they drive on the opposite side of the road). We first hit a bar called Spanky’s, located on the second floor. The reason why they call it Spanky’s is because they hit you with a folded over tube of pipe insulation (you know, the stuff you buy at Lowe’s or Home Depot to keep your pipes from freezing during the winter) and it makes a whipping sound like the snap of a rope the lion tamer uses at the circus. I always wondered why Lowe’s is out of stock during the summer months. Now I know where it ends up!

Spanky’s, being a smaller bar, (the stage only holds about 20 girls, 40 if they’re performing their cheerleading routine), tends to do these specialty shows. Up to four girls do some type of act. This one was a hot lesbian act (however, I don’t believe that this one was an act) where one girl would strip and lick the other girl everywhere on her body, including the areas that weren’t visible (which is why I believe it was real), bring her to climax, and then it was repeated onto the girl still clothed). Ok, I know what you’re saying. We’ve seen that before in a hotel room, but this was actually choreographed! The girls stripped, licked and even climaxed all at the same time! Like when the elephants turn around during the center ring at the circus, totally choreographed! As with most shows, the star is usually the hottest girl in the show.After all, no star wants to be upstaged by a chorus line dancer. And since we’re going large in Bangkok, throwing Benji-bahts (that’s a Thai Benjamin... 100 bahts, or USD $3.33), we were not willing to accept just any chorus line girl. Of course, my buddy still had his high school age rule in effect. 

The star of the show looked young enough (we find out later that she’s actually 25, with a four-year-old), so we picked her up and then proceed onto other clubs, using her as bait to catch other fish. Oh wait, back up. I almost forgot. There was this really cute, slightly heavy, no scratch that, voluptuous girl, with dirty blonde hair beaded on one side, that was looking at me with those sexy eyes and beautiful natural large breasts, that it just got me in the mood to go to my wild side and that I had to have her! We were leaving in the morning to head to Pattaya, so we had made a pact to accept no girl short-term (meaning two hours), they had to stay “long time” (all night). Hey, we were living large, remember? So this voluptuous sex kitten comes over and sits by us, and when we find out that she could only do “short time,” we bowed our heads in sadness and parted ways. But we remembered where she worked and told her that we’d be back next week. She left with some fat Asian dude. Broke my heart.

While Spanky’s was a very nice club, the slowness of the dancing shows was putting me to sleep and I needed a caffeine fix. So since they didn’t serve coffee, I left my friends and headed over to the next club, AngelWitch. The very cool thing about this club was, not only did they have really hot women and played great music, but they also served great coffee. So while I’m drinking my coffee, I’m carefully undressing the girls with my eyes, trying to find my next victim (I know now how it feels to be a vampire, without all of the side effects). I believed that I’d found the one I wanted, when my buddy walked in with the girl (who was the star of the last club’s show), joined me, and started examining my choices. His girl turned down all of my picks as not being wild enough and told me that there are better girls on the third and fourth floors. Strange, I’m intrigued. I had been to Nana Plaza three nights and I didn’t remember the fourth floor. So we headed out and started checking other clubs, working our way down from the fourth floor.

It turns out I wasn’t going crazy. There are only three floors. Some of the clubs on the fourth floor are two stories, hence the fourth floor interpretation, but in actuality, it’s only three floors. We checked them out, but they were dead (15 girls or less), so we skip them and move on to another. The last club on the third floor looked familiar somehow, but by this time, the three cups of coffee (Stop, they were small cups, equal to one medium Starbucks) was causing a diuretic effect and it was time to drain the vein in the closest bathroom. I walk in, unzipped my fly, pull it out and breathe a sigh of relief. Before I could even close the tap, a girl came up to me screaming, “Hello! Hello!” jumps into my arms and starts kissing me passionately. Apparently, she was my buddy’s girl from the other night and had recognized me.  

I’m sorry, I forgot to explain about the bathroom. Bathrooms in Thailand clubs are unisex. Urinals are on the walls leading up to the toilets. And the sinks are on the opposite walls with mirrors. So the girls can fully see the guys urinate while they wash their hands. While this may not be the ideal solution for sanitary settings, it does save on room, since these clubs are quite small. I brought her out and show my buddy who I found in the bathroom. I wasn’t ready to pull her out quite yet, since we were on a scouting expedition, so I told her that I’d be back later to get her. However, if someone else wanted her, she should go with them, and I wouldn’t be upset.

So then we were back down to the second floor where we started but on the opposite side. The next club, by far, on this side, is Rainbow 4, and since it was the only club we hadn’t been to that night, it was our last choice. However, there was a big problem. Since this was the club where I pulled out girls from the previous nights, there was no question that I would be recognized by everyone once we walked in. Since our objective for the night was to find new talent, this presented a real problem. I was worried that the previous night’s conquest would be all over me, hindering my objective. So we snuck in, keeping our heads low, heading over to the back wall opposite from our normal seating area. Of course, being far back, we couldn’t see shit! Kinda defeated the purpose, don’t you think? I spotted this girl, a Kim Kardashian wannabe, who was on stage with the other sardines, swaying to and fro, with the worst attitude I have ever seen. She looked miserable as if the monthly monster has arrived for a visit and had been kidnapped by a rich Arab sheik against her will (think of that scene in Taken). I just had to have her! I walked up to her, gave her 100 baht, and asked her to join us. She took the money, but brushed off my advances, instead sitting on a stool in the back by the bar. Maybe this was Kim 

Kardashian? I told the house mom to bring her over. She reluctantly says hello and tells me that she can’t leave and once again blows me off. No wonder why I never liked that show.

As we leave the club with the three girls in tow, wait a damn minute! I forgot to tell you about the other two girls that I picked up. Let me back up. Where did I leave off? Oh yeah, the Kardashian thing. So I sat there after being brushed off by her, my buddy’s girl tells me to get up off my ass and start looking for a new girl or two. I think that’s what she said, after all, she was talking to me in Thai. She grabbed my hand and dragged me around the bar several times until she stopped in front of a girl who she believed was right for me. While she was a stripper, this girl looked more like a librarian and the idea of doing a librarian got me excited. Unfortunately, there was this wild, exotic girl next to her that I had to have as well, so being the pig that I am, I took them both.

We returned to my hotel and decided to hit it up big since it was my last night in town. We all headed up to my room and I realized that there was no way that I would have enough bath towels for five people, and room service being very poor at night (this is not a typical Vegas style hotel, it is a managed apartment condo), I decided to swing upstairs to the gym (where they always have plenty of towels) and grab some for the room. Wouldn’t you know it, NO TOWELS the night when I need them!  When I returned, my buddy’s girl is in tears and I’m wondering what he did in such a short period of time to hurt her. Apparently, she thought it was going to be some type of orgy (why not?) but she was only interested in doing him. So he says, “No problem,” and they picked up their stuff and head back over to her place. I gave her two lollipops to take with her, which seemed to brighten up her mood (girls always like lollipops, don’t ask me why, but they do).

Ok, so here I am with two hotties: the wild child and the Librarian. Now, just in case you think you know what’s going on, guess again. After spending many, many years going to the library, I can honestly say that Librarians are the wildest women in bed that I have ever had. I think that it has something to do with their being so quiet and demure, that when they have a chance to let down their hair, watch out!

I could go on and on and on about the sex we had that night, but if you would take the time to the read the Kama Sutra, well, that’s what we did, only not in that order! four hours later, they kissed me, leave, head out, while I’m just about to pass out. I get a good solid two hours of sleep, and then it was down to breakfast, check out, and travel to Pattaya for the next leg of my trip.

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