Love Thy Self
By Lainie Speiser

Some years ago, my Dad told me a story about when his brother went to marriage counseling with his first wife. He had been unfaithful, and they were trying to move forward from his infidelities. His brother told the marriage counselor that his wife was not having sex with him, and that was the reason he had went outside the marriage, and his wife said, she was hurt and angry with him and could not possibly have sex with him while she was still feeling this way. The counselor asked my Uncle, “Have you tried masturbating instead?” To which my father laughed his ass off, and supposedly his brother had joined in on the laughter when he told him this. “Can you imagine expecting a grown, married man doing that instead of having sex? That’s ridiculous,” my Dad said to me.

So that pretty much sums up how my family saw masturbation. Not as a shameful activity, but an activity you do when you couldn’t possibly get laid, which is ridiculous. Because no matter how much sex I’ve had, I still enjoy having sex with myself the most. As Woody Allen said in the legendary movie Annie Hall, “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” I agree with that wholeheartedly.

My last column was about being cool with your partner watching porn, so I thought I’d take this column even further and talk about the joys and pitfalls of adults who masturbate on a regular basis, and not necessarily while watching porn or using visual aids. Nothing is more “me time” than spending precious minutes alone with yourself getting off. I have masturbated to wake up, I’ve masturbated to go to sleep, I’ve masturbated instead of cleaning the house or working, which I call “procrasturbation,” I’ve masturbated to relieve boredom and of course I masturbated because I was just plain horny. I’ve masturbated in places that were not my home, like my favorite bathroom stall at work (of course I picked a time that I knew was light traffic time), I’ve masturbated in an airplane bathrooms many, many times, I’ve masturbated in other people’s homes and I once masturbated in the bathroom of a recording studio. I don’t remember why now, but something set me off. There was a time I did it pretty much anywhere there was a bathroom in fact. 

When you know your body well as I do mine, it doesn’t take too long. In fact, I’ve masturbated many times during TV commercial breaks, and I was done before my program came back on. Having an orgasm is one of the healthiest things you can do for your body. I’ve read it helps prevent colon cancer for men, and I like to think it can help women’s health too in body, mind and spirit. It clears your brain, it relaxes you, it breaks the tension, it soothes your nerves, and it keeps the cobwebs away. 

I’ve masturbated while my partner has been deeply sleeping right next to me. Sometimes you want to get off without making physical contact with anyone but yourself. No muss, no fuss. One time I masturbated while watching a movie with a boyfriend on my couch. It was winter, and we each had our own blankies to keep us warm, so it was the perfect crime. He suspected nothing. I think we were watching The Last Temptation of Christ and I was bored out of my mind by it,but found Willem Dafoe quite attractive. 

Some people I guess would find this rude and offensive, but you shouldn’t. When nature calls you should answer it (of course, in a discreet place). I live in NYC, and
the last thing I want to see is another degenerate jacking off on the subway. Just be discreet. Not everyone is a ninja wanker like me. Some men have told me about feeling inadequate when their partner has pulled out a vibrator to get off during or after sex, but I say, bravo to that woman! Instead of being frustrated that she hasn’t come and acting bitchy about it, she took matters into her own hands. Plus, she’s going to let you watch her play with herself, which is hot and you will probably pick up some skills too.

Everyone has their own masturbation rituals. Some people like to do it in the shower because it’s private and clean-up is convenient. Some people like to do it taking a bath with candles and music; they make a real romantic time of it. My husband likes to do it while watching porn, sitting on a towel on his office chair. Then he makes a little cup out of his free hand where he spills his seed into. Before there was online porn, he would go to Show World Center in Times Square between auditions, where they had private porn booths. He’d bring baby wipes and a travel-sized bottle of Vaseline, always handy in his briefcase and told me it was great when they finally put chairs in those private booths. “So much more comfortable!” he said. “I’d usually have a newspaper and put that on the stool before I sat down.” To each his own.

Can someone masturbate too much? Yes, when your hand and/or toy is the only thing that makes you come, you should probably lay off for a while. I had a boyfriend who was unable to come inside me, or any other woman, because not only was he a big masturbator but he was what I call a “Dry Jerker,” meaning he never used any lubrication. When you have an inviting, wet pussy before you and your penis is used to a dry, cracked man-hand, you’re going to have some issues getting off. I suggested he re-train his cock and start using lube, baby oil or whatever that was safe and moist when he beat off. But he did not, and I got tired of the situation, so we became platonic friends. And he is still single. 

For people who haven’t had much sexual experience with other people, I find it extra important to clock in some serious masturbation time. It’s a way to get to know yourself and your body. Don’t just touch your genitals: explore, roam around and touch everything. When you know what you like, it’s a lot easier to have someone else please you. There’s no wrong way to masturbate. I knew a man who liked to use one hand on his dick and the other hand rubbing his tummy in circles. Perhaps this is a harkening to when he was a kid, and his mom rubbed his tummy when he didn’t feel well, but there’s nothing wrong with this, as long as it does the job. 

I knew another guy who liked to jerk off with a nine-volt battery in his butt. Again, nothing wrong with this, but I did tell him to put the battery in a condom so he could pull it out and avoid an embarrassing emergency room situation.

My porn star clients who probably have more sex than the average person on and off camera, still love to masturbate alone. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in one of their hotel rooms, and immediately I spy with my snoopy eye, a Hitachi vibrator sitting on the night table, plugged into the wall. I find that sexier than anything they’ve done for public consumption. There’s something very hot about somebody who enjoys their own company; it’s a sign of true independence and self-love. To quote the great RuPaul Charles, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love someone else?” Can I get an amen? Amen!

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