Some Dates Are a Shame

By Lainie Speiser

One of the sexiest images I conjure up for myself during my “private time” is the memory of a lover I had who put one or more of his big, meaty man fingers in his mouth, get them nice and wet and then use them to finger me. It just gets me going every time, the memory of seeing him doing this from my laying back vantage point, looking up at his big ole body getting ready for some serious play and doing this one little act. I don’t know why but it sends me shivers every time.

So, when I read about actor/comedian Aziz Ansari on about his much-reviled date with the young lady now known to the world as “Grace,” sticking his bony (in my imagination), long fingers and sticking two of them down this woman’s throat repeatedly before fingering her, I practically shrieked out loud, “WHAT? You’re doing it all wrong! UGH! You’re so stupid!” If only Aziz read my column, his career wouldn’t be the disaster it is today.

While I don’t think anyone who is asking a lady or gentleman out on a date to get laid is a crime, being in your mid-30s and not having the faintest idea on how to seduce a woman should be. Aziz did it all so wrong; it just goes to show you, being famous with lots of money somehow doesn’t help you buy a clue when it comes to female pleasure. I wish I could rewind that whole evening for him and coach him through it, and then he’d still be known as that lovable, funny, feminist with the charming show on Netflix (“Master of None”).

When I’ve had bad experiences like this with men who are old enough to know better, I’ve wondered why no woman stopped this guy in the past just to say, “Hey that’s not how you do it, allow me to show you the proper way.” As I got older and more confident, I tried to be that woman as a public service. I was once on a date with a handsome man in his forties who after a few minutes of making out thought it was perfectly okay to try to jam his thumb up my ass. Yes, you read right. We were making out on my couch, and I was straddling this strapping, sexy beast, his arms were around me pulling up my sundress— and bam! I felt a big ole thumb between my big white cheeks. I stopped him and said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa you haven’t even touched my tits yet, and you’re trying to put your thumb in my butt? C’mon now!” He looked at me strangely then started to laugh; his face was bright red, then he said, “Okay Miss Lainie, tell me what you want to do.”

I admit, I’ve read the play-by-play of Aziz Ansari’s epic date fail more than once, more than twice, but definitely less than five times. A New York Times writer who wrote a piece in defense of this sexually clueless man said the piece read almost like pornography, to which I thought, he wishes! But no, I didn’t get a thrill from reading about how Aziz points at his penis when he wants a blowjob, or that he calls pouring another glass of wine a second date (an old, hacky joke), or that he keeps trying the same thing, like sticking two fingers in a V sign down his date’s throat over and over to the same lukewarm results. No, I keep reading about it because I can’t believe there’s been such little progress in sex and dating since I was 22. Not only on his part but also on hers.

Life can be very uncomfortable, and sex can be downright awkward and embarrassing. What’s great about being an older woman is that you don’t feel this need to please everybody as much as you want to please yourself. But I don’t want women to have to wait another 10, 15 or 20 years to have the ability to recognize when a date isn’t working for them. It only perpetuates bad behavior from men; if you don’t open your mouth and express yourself while it’s happening, nothing is going to change for the better. Maybe Aziz thought everything he was doing was fine because nobody else ever expressed to him that he was doing it wrong. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt because I don’t want to think he’s just a selfish prick. This is a guy who wrote a best-selling book about modern romance after all. Unfortunately, with a lot of men, their sheer lust and desire supersede noticing that their partner isn’t having a good time.

A gorgeous friend of mine, Sabrina, went on a date with a millionaire a bit ago. He wasn’t famous, just your garden-variety Silicon Valley success story. They met at a party that I brought her to, and I was excited when he asked her out. The date started well; he had a town car pick her up with a rose waiting for her on the seat, and took her to the trendy little bistro. The millionaire then ordered an appetizer for them, then proceeded to eat most of it himself, without a thought that she might be hungry. Then he took her to a trendy, exclusive club for dancing. When the car dropped them off at the club, and they were walking in, he stopped, grabbed her, and shoved his tongue down her throat for a sloppy, bad first kiss. “I know I’m attacking you, but I don’t care,” he said with a big ole dopey smile. I’m proud to say Sabrina didn’t care either— for him that is— and abruptly called it a night, no town car needed; she said she could get home on her own. Later he texted her and wrote, “You left your rose in the car, how sad.” I later found out from the millionaire’s personal assistant that this grab-and-tongue move was his go-to move. I’m sure if he’s still single, he probably still does this. Some people never learn, and some people who are in positions of power don’t feel they have to.




By Lainie Speiser

A long time ago I went to Negril, Jamaica with my roommate Helen, and unbeknownst to us as we were boarding the plane, we were going to spend the next four days getting hit on by just about every local man on the island.

It was a real pain in the ass, don’t get me wrong. As attractive ladies in our mid-twenties, we were used to going on vacation and getting hit on by the locals. We went to Puerto Rico, Mexico, and all those popular places where young women go to get loose and get a great tan to boot.

But Jamaica was on a whole other level; we didn’t even feel safe going to the bathroom at a club on our own, and one of us would always follow the other. We told these guys that we were a couple, but for some reason, they didn’t believe us, even though Helen, a gorgeous Korean girl, had a crew cut.  I would be at our beachfront hotel reading a book, and some local would come up to me and say, “Why you come to Jamaica to read a book?” And he worked at the hotel, which made it all the worse. This guy, more than the others, just wouldn’t let up on me. One night he tailed us to an outdoor concert at a neighboring hotel, and he said, “What do you think, we don’t eat pussy? We eat pussy too. What’s wrong you racist? You don’t like black men?” To which I replied, “Oh I like black men fine, but I don’t like you, so fuck off, or I will have to make a complaint to the hotel.” And he finally did, but shot me and Helen dirty looks for the rest of the trip.

When I came back to New York, I told my black friend Patrick (who is now the Ambassador of South Africa) about all of this. He laughed and said, “My two sisters went to Negril together and left after one day— you’re not a racist.”

Why am I telling you this tale? Because for this column I’d like to discuss what I call “Freedom of Sexual Choice,” meaning it’s every human’s right to only have sex with the people they want to have sex with no matter what the race, creed or color, they are. Nobody should be pushed into having sex, let’s say, to prove that they’re not a racist. We like what we like. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to have sex with a person you don’t find attractive. I know I tried in college, but it’s terrible. You can’t talk your penis and vagina into enjoying sex with someone you don’t like; you stay soft, you stay dry and even if you manage to stuff it in, or use some lube, it’s still awful sex. And all sex should be wonderful. I used to say sex is like pizza, even when it’s mediocre it’s pretty, damn good. But I’ve had some horrible frozen pizza, and after two bites I’ve thrown it in the garbage.

Sex is my oasis, my private Idaho, my vacation, my meditation, my greatest pleasure and it’s the only time I can be completely myself. When it comes to sex I don’t have to wait in line, I don’t have to settle, I don’t have to be politically correct, I don’t have to be a lady and I don’t have to explain why I desire what I do. If I prefer outwardly conservative big, white Aryan looking guys, that’s my business and my right. If I only have sex with men who’ve got long hair (yes that was me in another life), it’s my right. If I choose to suddenly only want to eat Chinese (Asian men have the most beautiful smiles I’ve ever seen) then fine, call me a Rice Queen all you want. It’s my right, it’s my own business, and I shouldn’t be criticized for it.

At the date of this writing, beautiful, young porn star August Ames passed away due to suicide. She hung herself on a tree in a local park near where she lived in Los Angeles. Prior to her offing herself, she was engaged in an intense battle on Twitter about refusing to do a scene with what we called a “Crossover Star,” which is a man who did gay porn and crossed over into the heterosexual genre.

A lot of women in the industry do not want to do scenes with them, mostly for worry of contracting a disease. Whether that assumption is right or wrong, there was no reason to call this young woman a homophobe. As she wrote on Twitter, “I don’t have anything to apologize for! Apologizing for taking extra steps to ensure that my body stays safe? Fuck you guys attacking me when none of my intentions were malicious. I fucking love the gay community! What the fuck ever! I CHOOSE who I have inside my body.” But as you know with Twitter, there becomes a mob mentality, and she got it pretty bad from not only the porn fans but also from her fellow performers (names I won’t name, but from a few big performers who do scenes with crossovers, transgenders and everything in between). And some performers while defending her, also told her she should keep her opinions to herself as one wrote, “I agree. I support your rights to choose who you have sex with. 100%. I just think it was offensive to say publicly when half of your peers do not agree.” To which she replied, “I’ll keep my opinion in my head next time and be fake.” When these “Twitter Wars” happen, we text each other and say, “Pass the popcorn,” myself included. August knew that as one of her final words on social media were, “To every bored person on set today: you’re welcome, for the reading material” and then lastly on that day, December 4, she said, “Fuck Y’all.”

When I was in my late twenties, I discovered someone I was seeing was bisexual; he didn’t tell me as he should have, and I got the information from the boyfriend of a friend who worked with him at Greenpeace. I admit it, I totally panicked, my friend Perry had died of meningitis as a result of having AIDS a year prior, and I didn’t use a condom with this guy (you would have thought having a friend who died of AIDS would make you only wear condoms, and I’m not proud of this). When I confronted this guy, by asking him if he knew my friend’s boyfriend, his voice got flat and said, “I worked with a lot of people back then. I don’t remember him. Oh, and by the way, I have to cancel our date tonight, something came up.” For me, this was an omission of guilt because we never went out again. He totally ghosted me and wouldn’t even let me come by to pick up the books he had borrowed. I specifically wanted one rare book I had, “The Book of Torture,” and I’m sure this asshole still has it in his collection.

I got tested by my doctor immediately, and I came up negative, thank god. Now I didn’t think I caught HIV because I slept with someone who had sex with men; I was concerned because the truth is most repressed and/or closeted people don’t use condoms, which would be making the sex they are ashamed of a reality. If we didn’t use condoms, why would he use them with another man? I didn’t hate him for being gay, I hated him for being a liar, for breaking my heart and for putting an innocent person at risk. New York City is a small world and we travelled in similar circles, and to this day, every time our paths have crossed he literally grabs the nearest woman and rams his tongue down her throat (he’s adorable and charming and gets away with this all the time), as if to show me, “Hey I’m no fag!” If he had told me he was bisexual upfront, would I have kept going out with him? Probably not. It’s hard enough to compete with all of the gorgeous women who live here but to double that with men, who needs it? That’s my opinion, and it’s my right to feel that way. It doesn’t mean I’m a homophobe. I’m actually known as the “Fag Hag,” a term I’ve never liked, about town. My two dearest friends are both gay. One I’ve known since college and one I’ve known since high school, whom I call my “Gay Husband,” and who asked me if I would do the honor and perform his marriage ceremony which I did and nearly cried while I had them exchange their vows. But me just having to defend myself like that— it should be unnecessary.

Maybe August should have kept her opinions to herself. Sure it would have saved her a lot of time, energy, and heartache, but I understand where her anger came from. It wasn’t because she was matched up with a crossover star, it was because the company, her agent, nobody told her this beforehand and she felt she had the right to know. I get that, and I always try to give my clients as much information about any show or event I book them on before call time, because I know the clients do not like any surprises. Porn stars like to prepare more than any other mainstream performer I have ever met because when they walk into any situation, they know they are already being judged for what they do, and if they can prevent a bad situation, they always will. Her tweet that started the escalation was this, “whichever (lady) performer is replacing me tomorrow for @EroticaXNews, you’re shooting with a guy who has shot gay porn, just to let cha know.  BS is all I can say. Do agents really not care about who they’re representing? #ladirect I do my homework for my body.”

There are women in the industry who won’t do IR aka interracial, and they get flak for that as well, being called racists and such. I will let you in on a little secret: 95% of those women who do not do interracial have black boyfriends who don’t want them to. A lot of black men are very cool about having a girlfriend or wife that does porn; they don’t feel sexually threatened by it until their white girlfriend thinks about having sex with a black man. You can come to your own conclusions on that one. One of the things I’ve always loved about the adult industry is that you only have sex with the people you want to have sex with. They preach it’s your body, it’s in your control, but sadly that’s not always the case. One day my former client, the Duke University porn star Belle Knox, called me to tell me that her agent matched her up with an older man, even though she specifically told him that on her “No List” (all performers male, female, gay, straight, transgender, gender queer and intersex have them) was men over 30. She was 18 at the time and was creeped out at the notion of having to have sex with a man old enough to be her father. “What do I do?” she asked me. I told her to call her agent right now. Her agent, by the way, had told her the man she would do a scene with was “around 30,” when he was in actuality, 45, a huge difference indeed.

I told her not to do anything she didn’t want to do, and her agent gave her some lame excuse. Well Belle, who was always a people pleaser and hated the thought of anyone being angry with her, decided to go ahead and do the scene anyway, knowing it would be an inconvenience to the entire production, not to mention would cost the studio money.

But when there was a whole jealousy backlash on Belle amongst the performers, this older gentleman, cited this episode in an article and said she looked at him like he was a monster. Now I wasn’t there, but I do know what it’s like to have sex with people you don’t want to have sex with, so I’m sure she wasn’t smiling or licking her lips in anticipation of sucking his dick. While this didn’t put Belle over the edge the way it put August, I do believe it’s one of the many reasons why she retired from the business a year later.

Once I put one of two favorite clients, Mia Isabella, a world-famous transgender performer, and Nikki Delano, a very popular Latina performer, on the same SiriusXM show together, and they hit it off so much that they are still friends to this day. The day after they did the show together, a male performer known to work with a lot of transgender women, sent Mia a direct message that said something a long the lines of, “Nikki’s not your friend. She refuses to do scenes with TS performers and men who have sex with TS performers.” I’m proud to say Mia basically told this pot-stirrer to fuck off, mind his own business and she didn’t care who Nikki did or did not do scenes with; it’s her business and her right to choose. “I don’t want to have sex with anyone who isn’t into me. Why would I when there are so many people out there who would love to?” Mia has told me in the past. Mia who has had sex with women on film once or twice, but honestly isn’t into women and because of that hasn’t done it for a long time. Does this mean she should be called a misogynist? I don’t think so, and thus far thank goodness it hasn’t come up.

Attraction is always a fascinating thing. Sometimes what didn’t ring our bells 10 years all of the sudden becomes our object of desire. If you are in touch with yourself and with your sexuality, you will see it keeps evolving and changing. I find that very exciting. And when I’ve been told on more than one occasion, “I usually don’t go for redheads but there’s something about you I just couldn’t resist,” or “Normally I’m not into curvy girls, but on you I find it so hot, you wear it well,” I don’t get insulted, I pat myself on the back. When you’re sexy, and you know it, it can break barriers. Hell, it can change the world. Let’s do more of that, shall we? Peace out.




Night Shift

From the sinfully delicious mind of Joanna Angel, founder of adult company Burning Angel and award-winning adult actress and director, comes Night Shift: A Choose-Your-Own Erotic Adventure!

After graduating college, Taryn found herself lost and uncertain of what to do next. With a self-imposed friendless and sexless life, Taryn unexpectedly winds up working the graveyard shift at Dreamz, a sex shop in Pasco County, Florida. Tucked into a seedy strip mall on the side of a highway, hilarious and erotic surprises lurk around every neon-lit corner.

Your mission: In a sketchy and sexy world filled with tissues, gallons of lube, sex toys, tiger print, and swinger parties, help Taryn choose her way as she learns what happens in this small, unexpectedly kinky town. From butt plugs to cross-dressing truckers to being held-up at gunpoint over dildos, experience this fun and sexy journey along with Taryn, as she goes from shy and sweet to skilled and empowered—but how she gets there is up to you!

Joanna Angel is an award-winning adult film star, director, producer, author, entrepreneur, and CEO of the venerated adult studio, BurningAngel Entertainment. Pacific Standard magazine stated she is “One of the most powerful feminist icons in the adult industry.” She’s stormed mainstream media outlets being featured in the New York Times, Forbes Magazine, Vice TV, LA Weekly, and CNBC just to name a few. She was inducted into AVN’s hall of fame in 2016 and continues to make her mark in the adult industry and the world at large.



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Valentine's Day 2018

“Chocolate causes certain endocrine glands to secrete hormones that affect your feelings and behavior by making you happy.Therefore, it counteracts depression, in turn reducing the stress of depression. Your stress-free life helps you maintain a youthful disposition, both physically and mentally. So, eat lots of chocolate!”
—From Elaine Sherman’s, Book of Divine Indulgences

Ahhh, chocolate! It has long been thought of as an aphrodisiac. One of the world’s most famous lovers, Casanova, drank his “cioccolato” in Venice, and thought that it was more stimulating than champagne and called it the “elixir of love.” Ancient Mayans made “bitter water” from cocoa seeds. It was thought to help in procreation and was considered a potently virile food. It is also believed that women who consume large quantities of chocolate have more satisfying sex lives. Many studies have been done that show that chocolate does increase the sexual appetite and produces a sense of elation similar to an orgasm. Dark chocolate contains phenylethylamine, which increases serotonin in the brain, and that in turn, creates the feelings of pleasure. Phenylethylamine is also related to amphetamines, and thus acts as a stimulant and increases energy. Dark chocolate also has many health benefits, as cocoa is a powerful antioxidant. It can lower blood pressure and is thought to work as a cognitive enhancer and delay decline of brain function as we age. Chocolate has now become a tradition for lovers to bestow on each other each February, during the month of love.

When purchasing chocolate as a gift, try to find the best chocolate you can afford. Lady Godiva, famous for riding nude through the streets of Coventry, was the inspiration for Joseph Draps, who founded Godiva Chocolates and had an exclusive chocolate shop in Brussels, Belgium, over 75 years ago. Godiva has now become synonymous with fine chocolates. Shops can be found in all major cities of the United States. Las Vegas has its own well-known and just as well-loved Ethel M Chocolates, which was founded in 1981 by Forrest Mars, Sr. He was also the founder of Mars candy company that makes Milky Way, Snickers, 3 Musketeers and the number one bestseller: M & M’s. Ethel M Chocolates was named in honor of Forrest’s mother and he used many of her recipes to create their specialty chocolates. You can tour the factory here in Vegas and also sample some free chocolates.

This innovative cream specifically formulated for men but with the pleasure of a woman in mind! In fact, Dragon will allow both partners’ bodies to blend in a carnal pleasure fusion with its unique “Fire & Ice” sensation. Its exclusive formula, made from all-natural extracts and herbs, is ideal for help in controlling sexual pleasure.  The cream is applied prior to intercourse by massaging it all over the shaft of the male genitalia. The “Fire & Ice” sensation will take effect in minutes to follow.  Furthermore, once a lover has come in contact with their partner and the cream, it will sensitize and intensify her pleasure, which will help bring her to the peak of multiple intense orgasms— like a carnal fusion in between two bodies.

Shunga Erotic Art is world-renowned for offering some of the finest erotic pleasure products. Check out their Body Painting Collection: Vanilla & Chocolate Temptation and Strawberry & Champagne. All Shunga products are packaged in beautiful Japanese erotic works of art from the 16th to the 18th centuries. This collection has 20 categories of products offered in various flavors and fragrances for massage oils, heating aphrodisiac oils, body powders, massage creams, massage candles, sensations balm, orgasm stimulation cream for women, lubricants, bath and shower gels, Dead Sea salts, natural herbal supplements for sexual energy, and various luxury kits.  Available in more than 70 countries, Shunga Erotic Art can be found anywhere from adult specialty stores to lingerie high-end boutiques, to high-end department stores, perfumeries or by visiting

Valentine’s Day classics that are sure to get you in the mood for romance


Chocolat  -Johnny Depp, Juliette Binoche

An Officer and a Gentleman  -Richard Gere, Debra Winger

Dirty Dancing  -Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey


Notebook -Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling

Thief of Hearts -Steven Bauer, Barbara Williams

Wild Things -Kevin Bacon, Matt Dillon, Neve Campbell, Denise Richards

Chloe  -Julianne Moore, Amanda Seyfried and Liam Neeson


9 ½ Weeks  -Mickey Rourke, Kim Basinger

Body Heat -William Hurt, Kathleen Turner

Basic Instinct -Michael Douglas, Sharon Stone

Unfaithful -Richard Gere, Diane Lane, Olivier Martinez

Monster’s Ball -Billy Bob Thornton, Halle Berry

Last Tango in Paris  -Marlon Brando, Maria Schneider

Blue Velvet -Isabella Rossellini, Kyle MacLachlan, Dennis Hopper

The Postman Always Rings Twice  -Jack Nicholson, Jessica Lange

Secretary -James Spader, Maggie Gyllenhaal

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